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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | May 2009 |
In raising my children, I have lost my mind but found my soul.
—Lisa T. Shepherd
It is our soul that our children long to connect with. Losing your mind means letting go of your ego and and focusing on your relationship
Lesson: Motherhood
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Happy Mother's Day! I want to give all you mother's a huge pat on the back, and I encourage you to give yourself one (Dad, you give her one too). Do you realize, I mean really realize, that you are doing the most important job on earth? For most of you it will be the hardest job you will ever do. Congratulations! You're alive, and it's happening.
But most of us will deny that in a nano second, blame ourselves, and think we're failures. Why? Well, how often does anyone give you positive feedback? When was the last time someone said to you, "What a great mother you are. I really appreciate that you are devoting so much time and energy to bringing up good citizens"? Think about the importance of positive feedback to your kids-even when they're failing at something. Imagine how different you would feel with acknowledgment of your feelings and positive feedback every day. Might make it all a lot more enjoyable.
Our culture looks at the parenting job as ordinary everyday nothing. We don't value it, we don't even get a tax break to stay home and do the job. Nor are we given any instruction. Most everyone in the workforce is required to go to trainings and meetings with colleagues, get certification hours, have staff development. But parents! We're supposed to know it all. Remember saying, nobody ever told me it would be like this? That's because we're expected to deal-no matter what hand we're dealt, alone. We used to live in large extended families so that one adult having a bad day was covered by another. No longer. So give yourself a break when you can't handle it all the time. And get help. We push ourselves to be in control, to do it right so much of the time that the pressure turns us into zombies.
Here's a self-assessment questionnaire:
| • | How do you feel about yourself as a parent most of the time? | |
| • | How would your kids rate you as a parent? | |
| • | Where do you view your job on this continuum? highly satisfying ____________________ barely doable |
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| • | What would it take for you to move closer to highly satisfying? (New kids and different husband are not options!) | |
| • | How often do you leave your child in trusted care and go out with your husband or friend? | |
| • | On a scale of 1-10, how much of the time do you spend putting yourself down? | |
| • | How much time do you spend a week doing something for yourself? | |
| • | On a scale of 1-10, how do you stack up as your child's role model? |
What kind of mother do you want your children to have as a role model? (I highly recommend answering this in writing). A mother who is stressed, angry, rushed, and spent at the end of every day? Or a mother who is loving and fun? The second mother has necessarily learned to let go and accept herself flaws and all. How many of you strive for that impossible perfection? Do you wish you had a perfect mother? I doubt it.
Guilt over past failures can consume us but doesn't help us be in the moment with our children. It keeps us in resistance-to ourselves, to the job, to our kids. You are where you are because you made the best choices you could. You are free from now on to make different choices.
So this Mother's Day, find one more thing about yourself to accept. Write it down and let it go. Your children probably love you a lot more than you love yourself. And remember, not only do you not have to have all the answers, but you shouldn't. Your children need to come up with their own. The more you resist accepting yourself, the more your children will find to resist in you.
Find lots of joy in your Mother's Day!
Questions or comments? Let me know what your thoughts are.
Send me photos of your kids!
I would love to have some new photos for use in the newsletter and perhaps on my website. Your permission is understood with submission. I love candid shots of kids of all ages. You can email then to me at bh@bonnieharris.com
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details.
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A. Ask yourself why she shrieks. If it is to be heard more quickly, do that. If she is trying to get attention she doesn't get, give it. Those are causes that need positive reinforcement. We fear reinforcing negative behavior, but it is the cause of the behavior that needs positive attention, not the behavior itself. She may be shrieking just because she doesn't have much impulse control and shrieking is easier than controlling herself. Try giving her a challenge. When she shrieks, acknowledge how mad she is that she is not getting what she wants. Then tell her to pretend she is a lion and ask her if she can roar about how mad she is. Or challenge her to whisper it as loudly as she can. As often as possible, redirect it in a direction that she will pick up on and then stay calm. Remind her calmly that it's too loud, but expect it to continue at least until she has more self control.
Q. My 7 1/2 year old son does not care about his possessions or anyone else's. Of course I have taken his things away when he doesn't put them away or take care of them, but it doesn't have any lasting effect. He cares for a short moment and then moves on and would never miss whatever it is that has been taken away. This also makes consequences very difficult when the natural consequence doesn't matter in the least. This is very frustrating when he is destructive or disrespectful to things in the house that aren't his. For example, he might pick up his sister's yoyo and then play with it in a destructive, non-caring way. It doesn't seem to be intentionally directed toward the owner of the object. It's his relationship to all objects. If I take it away, he may react for a minute, but then never asks about it again. This has been going on for several years and has never seemed to change at all.
A. My first response to this is that your son's ambivalent behavior is a defense mechanism-something he has honed over the years to give the impression he doesn't care. It may feel powerful to him to thwart you taking things away. My best advice on this is to let go of what it is doing to you. You can best help him when you don't take responsibility for it by trying to change him. And try not to catastrophize that this means he has no conscience and will be an anti-social remorseless blight on society!! Isn't it amazing what our minds can take us to instantly. That idea is what provokes our emotions and reactions to our children. It sounds like he is getting something out of this "not caring" attitude, and it probably has something to do with pushing your buttons. You certainly don't have to buy him anything new-explain very calmly and neutrally that it seems clear to you that he doesn't care about having things at this point in his life and that when this phase is over and he does again care, you will be happy to get something for him. This MUST BE said with no attitude on your part! And actually go a little overboard on the "I know this will change and I know you will care about things again" so that you are instilling in him your trust rather than breaking it down with anger, blame and fear. It will take him awhile of you being consistent and non-blaming on this issue for him to trust you. You and his sister have every right to make sure he does not disrespect her property or anyone else's. Calmly and without blame, take anything he is being disrespectful of. Try, "This belongs to your sister and I want to make sure it doesn't get harmed. When you want to play with it correctly, you can ask your sister." If he reacts with attitude, do not engage-do not get hooked into his game. The important thing is to know that he is doing this for an emotional reason. He is having a problem being respectful of things and you intend to help him with his problem. Try to connect with any frustration and anger he may have about anything (possible reasons for the behavior) and validate his feelings and thoughts. When your reactions to his game change, the game will not be needed.
Q. I have identical twin daughters who are three years old. They seem to be constantly in competition over everything. It starts with a race in the morning to see who can get to the potty first. The one who arrives second breaks down in tears claiming she has to go more urgently than the other. We do have several bathrooms but they want me with them and when they both have to go at the same time, it's a fight. I put a potty on the floor and we have potty seats for the adult toilet but they fight over using the same toilet. This fight continues throughout the day with toys, books, plates, cups, etc....even who gets the car seat behind me!
A. Seems like you have a double whammy of competitive temperaments in your girls! It will be interesting to see if they remain competitive with each other through the years. You cannot change that but you can greatly influence how they work out their competitiveness-with genuine and supportive encouraging each other to their best or with aggression and jealousy. The good news is that one is not pushing the other around but that they are both equal players. I think at this point, the best thing for you to do is first to stay calm about it. See if you can find it amusing rather than wrong or bad. That way, your response will be less frustrated. Then acknowledge how much they each want to be first to get what they want and validate their desires. "Boy, you both really want to be first on the potty. It's hard when your sister gets ahead of you. You wish you could always be first. How about we have a hug until it's your turn." Maybe this will help and maybe not. If a meltdown follows, just let it happen and then acknowledge and validate again after the meltdown is over. "It really hurt that you couldn't get what you wanted first. Both of you always want to be first and that means someone is always second. That's okay. You each get your turns." The important part is that you don't get sucked into their pain and frustration. This is their problem. You can be so much more helpful to them when you see it that way.
Let me know how these suggestions work with more questions or stories.
Stories from Readers
1. Logical consequences are often the best teacher. I have a kid at school who likes to stomp on his snack and make a big mess on the floor. I don't react anymore. I just hand him the cleaning supplies. After two clean ups and missing the next activity....vwala...no more snack stomping! — pre-k teacher
2. Growing up my parents very seldom listened to me but spent most of their time like you say dictating to me. It left me so frustrated as a child. If only they would have spent a little time listening, what a major difference that would be. However, they never were able to do that. The issue is still around with one of my brothers and his wife. They also have an extremely hard time listening. I remember spending time talking to one of their teenage children. Afterwards she said thank you for listening to her being her parents never once listened to what she had to say. The experiences growing up and what I currently deal with have educated me so much on dealing with others. Like they say I cannot affect what has happened to me, but I can affect how I treat others and that is exactly what I am doing now by making it a point to listen. Like you mentioned, many people only want someone to listen to them and once that is done the tensions decrease.
Keep the stories coming!
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