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					When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 47 - Attention or Attending? "Don't we all have attention-deficit?" — Jon Kabat-Zinn Discussion of Key Points — Attention or Attending? Children want our attention all the time. But we have for some reason decided they shouldn't. "He just wants my attention" really implies "He's being manipulative." As time has become precious to us, since we seem to have less and less of it, we want our children to leave us alone more and more. Since being with our children has become more inconvenient to our agendas, we perceive their attention seeking behavior as manipulative and demanding. It is our ego that defines our children's behavior as manipulative, rude, disrespectful, etc. (our assumptions that provoke our reactions to it). We decide in our minds that certain behaviors that inconvenience our lives or hurt our feelings are not okay and must be stopped. As our lives change-get busier, more chaotic, or slow down-our priorities change and with that, our priorities for our children change. But children don't belong in that paradigm. Their needs should not be determined by our wants. We must see their needs for what they are and meet them the best we can. That is not to say we should sacrifice and put their needs above our own. But we must see their need for attention as real and not manipulative-even if has become so. Some children require more attention than others. If the demand keeps up, ask yourself what kind of attention you are giving. Children need our attention. Interacting with us, being with us, getting their cues from us is how they learn who they are and how they should do things. Your child will never demand your attention unless it is needed. "But I give her my attention all day long!" is often what I hear from stay-at-home moms. "What more can she possibly want?" I always ask, "But what kind of attention do you give?" Is it your ego driven directing attention that tells your child what to do most of the time, that is frustrated with her and only half present? Or is it your being attention when you are truly present and in the moment with your child, hearing and listening no matter how frustrating her behavior is to you? If it is the former, your child will continue to demand your attention because her need for that latter has not been fulfilled. If you are attending to your child, you are more likely to give what your child needs. If you give attention, it is often driven by the ego and is defined by what you want from her. Try an experiment. Someday when you have the time, take a day-if not a day, then an hour-and give it over to your child. Follow his lead, really be there watching, listening, and learning. Watch him with true curiosity. Try not to comment, direct, or criticize. Stop anything dangerous but don't try to get him to do anything. If you are playing, let him direct it. If you set it up as an experiment, you are more likely to be able to follow through. You goal is to watch and take in. This day might help you discover some of the roots of your child's behavior. This is not as easy with teens, who are off to themselves much of the time. But even with them, if you are not "on them" to do this and that, you might learn something about them. Questions and Answers I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer you directly. Your question goes in the newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep questions brief but include critical details. I'd love some questions about older children — don't want to lose those readers! I'm running low on questions! And am out of stories. Keep them coming!! Q. My 3 yr. old boy constantly asks me if I'm happy. "Are you laughin?", he says. When he has done the wrong thing I tell him that his actions do not make me happy. Then he becomes upset and tells me that he wants me to laugh. I'm stuck for words most of the time. A. It's important to keep your feelings separate from your son's actions. It is so tempting to say, "That doesn't make me happy," especially if it results in a change of behavior. But what you are actually saying if you pay attention to the message he receives from your words is that he is responsible for making you happy or unhappy. If he is afraid he has made you unhappy, he will of course keep asking you if you are happy. He wants you to laugh to show him that he has not upset you. He has learned to take responsibility for how he "makes" you feel. This is a message I'm sure you didn't intend and want to stop sending. You are the one responsible for how you feel about something. When he does something he shouldn't be sure to talk about his actions but keep how you feel out of it. Give him choices - "Do you want to give that to me or shall I take it from you? You choose." "Do you want to turn off the TV or shall I?" When he asks if you are happy, tell him that you are fine. Tell him that you are happy sometimes, sad sometimes, just as he is. But that you always love him, no matter what. Q. My daughter is 9 years old and for several years now has developed a "sick tummy" whenever she has a babysitter (which has always been family) or whenever she has a sleepover whether at home or at a friend's. My husband and I do not go out often - perhaps once every 2-3 months. I have always thought that this is anxiety about change, I have tried many things to no avail. There is no evidence of a medical problem. Any advice would be very much appreciated. A. This is normal and I expect will ease with time. It seems that many children in these middle years develop a trouble spot (throat, tummy, head) that cause pain over anxiety about school or whatever. I must say that I think you and your husband should have more personal time together and if you don't because of worry over your daughter, she could be picking up on that and getting the message (unintended of course) that she will be unhappy without you. When we are concerned about how our children will fare in any situation without us, as opposed to being confident that they will be fine, they often get nervous about being without you. I would talk to her about how normal it is to feel nervous and ask her if she would like your support in overcoming it as you are sure it will go away with a bit more time. Explain that you imagine the change is hard for her but that you would never leave her in any situation that you did not feel completely comfortable with and that it will simply be a matter of time before her tummy feels fine about it. You might even ask her to give her tummy words that it would like to say. Remember, you cannot make your child happy about every situation, nor should you try. She needs to have her upset and nervousness and overcome it herself without you trying to make everything okay. The more you do, the more she will depend on you to do it for her. Q. My daughter Elissa is 6 and a half and enrolled in private catholic school (first grade) where she's been with most of the same children for 4 years now. She's always been spirited. In any group of children, she's the one that stands out if you know what I mean! She's extraordinarily bright, reads at 2d grade level. The difficulties come because she has a tough time with transitions. After several meetings with teachers over the last 2-3 years, it boils down to her seeming to have trouble in a couple basic areas. 1) Transitioning from activity A to activity B. Like recess to schoolwork and vice versa, or even math to reading. She wants to do her own thing, or she's not quite ready to move on and she causes disruptions in the classroom. 2) Being completely thrown off if things aren't exactly the same each and every day. If the teacher says something that doesn't fit with what Elissa thinks is right or does an activity out of "schedule" with E's expectations, she becomes argumentative, difficult and downright disrespectful. It's as if when something happens outside of her 'control' or expectation, she tries to exert control in other ways-brattiness!! The teacher just told us yesterday that she simply doesn't know how to teach E any more because E has absolutely no respect for her. A. Difficulty with transitions and being thrown off when plans change are both attributes of a less adaptable temperament. She is not being "bratty", she is having a difficult time when she can't count on things to be the same or to be what she expects. How well she adapts to the world depends a lot on how flexibly her world accepts and understands her temperament. If she is seen as defiant and rude, she gets the message that who she is is not okay. She doesn't know how to adapt yet and so being spirited, she will resist what that world expects of her and dig in her heels all the more. This doesn't mean that her world has to accommodate her and do her bidding. It simply means that she needs to be understood. Fitting her roundness into a square hole will cause her to resist more and more, becoming ruder and less and less adaptable. You need to find an environment that will allow her to be her and then she will abide by its rules. I would suggest that you read Mary Kurcinka's Raising Your Spirited Child and give a copy to her teacher. Your attitude about her being okay is a good one, but you must understand that she cannot shake off problems in the same way you can. News New!! For everyone. A Web-class - Getting to the Root of It - Understanding Your Child's Behavior. Join me on Wed. June 18th at 10:30 a.m. EST for an hour. All you need is a computer, a telephone, and a $10 payment. Email for more information, and watch for our upcoming e-blasts! Wouldn't it be amazing if we had special radar to see what our child's behavior really means? With new perspectives you can come pretty close. We typically react automatically to the misbehavior because it causes us worry and fear. We think we have to control the behavior but in our attempts we miss what our child is really telling us-and so we miss the opportunity to help. This hour long web-class will help you interpret the language of "childology" and dig to the roots of your child's behavior by seeing through a new lens. We are changing the name of the business from Core Parenting to Connective Parenting. Connective is a more inclusive word for this parenting philosophy. Watch for changes on the website which will include: The new website URL is www.connectiveparenting.com although you will always be able to access it through www.bonnieharris.com A new philosophy page A blog Podcasts A discussion forum We are working on creating a web-based tele-seminar for the certification program to become a "Buttons" educator. Please let me know your interest and/or desire to learn more about this. We will likely begin with a small pilot group of not more than 5 people. We have a new Yahoo group - coreparenting@yahoogroups.com. Join the conversation. One member has proposed going through the Buttons ideas using the exercises in the book as a guide. Several have expressed interest and are looking for more to join the discussion. I will help along the way. If you're interested there is a poll at coreparenting@yahoogroups.com. Click to join coreparenting Watch for my new book, Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You'll Love to Live With, which will be released this September. Go online to the website to read the introduction. I now offer paypal payments for phone coaching and "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" CD set so credit card payments are possible. Use the highlighted link or go to my website on the books and CDs page or the phone counseling page under services for parents to find the Paypal button. This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. Hopefully it will help the "swimming upstream" struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children's ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don't ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! Fondly, Bonnie Bonnie Harris Core Parenting Click here to read previous newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. © 2011 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com