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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | April 2010 |
Lesson: Setting up for Success
|
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Even though it's so much easier to criticize, telling your child what you want to happen instead of nagging about what you don't want, gets your child focused in the right direction. To attain this, it is essential to direct your child's thought process in a positive way. Asking him to think through a problem, gives him the opportunity to see what happened as well as think about a solution. "When you hit your sister, did she give you what you want? How do you think you could get it? What do you think she would need to hear in order to give it to you?"
Alternatively, telling your children that something they've done is wonderful when they believe otherwise leads to shutting you out when they need someone to talk to. To them, you don't have a clue. We must know our children's strengths and weaknesses and respond realistically to them. They are very good at knowing when we are just trying to make them feel better and when we get what is real. They need us to support their real capabilities rather than those we wish they had. A mother who very much wanted her seven year old son to love sports and was disappointed by his recent performance told me that after a soccer game, he said to her, "Mom, you just need to accept me for who I am. I'm just not a sports guy."
When your child complains about doing a terrible job on a test, instead of, "I don't think it was bad, look at all the ones you got right," she will trust you much more if you say, "It sure doesn't feel good not to get the grade you were hoping for." Then conversation can start. Well after you have talked about and acknowledged her feelings, and she trusts where you're coming from, then you can talk about future planning—setting up for success. "What do you want to do about it? Do you feel like going to your teacher to talk about it?" or "How do you think this happened?" or "What do you think you'll do differently for the next test?" She doesn't need to be told what you think she should do. But she does need to plan ahead in a way that works best for her.
In her book, How to Calm a Challenging Child, a London friend and colleague, Miriam Chachamu, writes about "preparing for success" by asking children leading questions about what is going to happen and what they need to do to be prepared for it. From going to Grandma's house where she is usually bored, to going to the supermarket where she gets wound up, to being prepared for her next test, your child needs you not to tell her what to do, which often feels blaming, but to help her think through the problem and, at least in her mind, find a solution so she can feel in control of what happens to her. As Miriam says, "The talk-through is designed to help [the child] change his behavior for the better in the future, not to prove him wrong."
When we can problem solve with our children, and acknowledge what is really going on rather than what we want to go on, we allow them to put themselves in the situation and think it through for themselves. But they first need to trust that we are not going to tell them what to do or criticize what they did do.
When your children are battling:
- Breathe
- Detach
- When you are all calm, ask each child what happened from their point of view.
- Ask what they each wished had happened.
- Ask how each could get what s/he wanted next time.
- Ask how s/he thought the other person involved felt about it and why.
- Ask what s/he thinks the other person needs in order to do what s/he wants.
- Let your child know what is not working for you.
- Ask what is not working for him.
- Ask, "What do you think we can do to solve our problems?"
- Say what you wish you had said if you had it to do over.
- Ask if there is anything he wishes he had done differently.
- Discuss what the plan will be for the next time.
- Write it down.
Questions or comments? Let me know what your thoughts are.
Response from last newsletter — bullying
Your advice to the mom about bullying was right on as far as it went — but there is really great evidence that the most powerful interventions to bullying are school wide practices and policies that empower the bystanders. The kids who have the experience of being bullied can't do this by themselves. Most schools have some policies in place but don't keep them going actively because they aren't aware of the level of bullying. Current best practices would include an annual bullying survey (so the school can keep tabs on it) and regular prevention programs. Many states have laws requiring schools to have bullying programs in place. I would encourage the mom to talk to her son about what bullying is, how important it is for the school to work on this to prevent this from happening to him and other kids and have a private conversation with the administrator. If the administrator is really unskilled or clueless it may be necessary to change schools. Without school wide processes empowering and teaching the bystanders, anti bullying programs and individual interventions are not so successful.
~ teacher of solution-focused discipline for schools
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details.
Video Games
Q. I took my 9 yr. old twin boys (A and B) and 5 yr. old daughter to the movies. When we came out they wanted to play video games, and I said okay but just a couple each. The boys had their own money. They played a couple and then I gave them permission to get some more tokens for just one or two more games. We were ready to leave when A decided to try and win a prize. He didn't win and wanted to try "just one more time". I said that he had enough chances, and it was time to go. I feel like I had given them fair warning. B and my daughter proceeded to walk with me while A headed back to get more tokens. I said, "Do not get anymore tokens. It's time to go". He continued and put his money in the machine. After he collected the tokens, I took his arm and said, "We need to go". I definitely took his arm more forcefully than I should have, but my blood was boiling. As I walked him out, he proceeded to kick me. I tried to bite my tongue and did until we were in the car when I said "You won't be coming to another movie for a while". In the back B said, "But me and sister can because we did what you said." Now I really am not sure how to proceed. I appreciate any input that you might have.
A. The first thing that struck me is that the first time you said they could do a "couple" (undefined number) and then "just one or two more" (undefined). I think this is a heads up to be very specific with what is allowed and then stick to it. There will be a fight for awhile because it looks like A knows he can maneuver you to get more. Before he tried to win a prize, it might have been helpful to say, "I know you'd like to stay here all day. I gave you the time limit and now we have to go. Next time we come why don't you plan on starting with the prize game." And then with your arm around his shoulders, guide him away. One problem with taking away privileges (not going to the movies again) is exactly the situation B put you in--punishing one and not the others. You're stuck with what you threaten in the heat of the moment. And probably A knows that you have 2 others to consider and figures he's not going to lose out--in other words he can use them to get his win! I would let things cool a bit and then come back to A and say, "I spoke in haste and anger in the car after the movie. I don't want to hold to that as it doesn't work for all of us. What I do need is to get your help with this problem. When we are together, and you insist on resisting what I ask, what can we do about it? I get angry and then react in ways that neither of us like. We both need to come up with a new direction. I need to be more specific about what is okay for me. What do you need to do differently?" Don't let him off the hook until some suggestion is made that you both agree on. Then write it down. The next time you go to the movies, refer to your agreement and go over the plan very specifically.
Personal Safety
Q. Our home and community have been disrupted due to an attempted abduction of a middle school student, who was my daughter's classmate. Fortunately she screamed loudly and got away. We recently looked at the listing of publicly known and registered sex offenders in our area. We discovered that one of them lives just down the street, a house that our 11 year old daughter passes by every school morning at 6:45 to catch the bus. Here's our quandry: Do we tell her that there is a sex offender living in our neighborhood? Will that just send her into even more fear surrounding this subject? Knowing her, she'll want to know who he is and where he lives, etc. and telling her this information doesn't feel right to me either. But, as parents, should we act naive about things like this? How do we teach her to be aware of possible danger without scaring her to death? Or is it better that she doesn't know these details? I don't want to transfer my fear onto her, yet I want her to be aware and safe. Any ideas?
A. There is no need to tell your daughter that a sex offender lives in your neighborhood. Your intention will be to empower her for whatever situation may arise. The good thing about this situation is that her classmate did exactly what she should have done and made it work for her. Highlight that example so your daughter learns from her classmate. Do some "What would you do ifs…" with her. What would you do if some one came to the door and we weren't home? What if you had an ice cream cone and the ice cream fell out on the ground? (throw some light ones in to make it more of a game). What if someone who you didn't know approached you on the street? What if that person grabbed your arm? What if the phone rang and someone you don't know said something strange? What if we were in a place with a lot of people and we got separated, etc.? Playing a game like this with your children helps them think about what they would do in various situations. They usually come up with great ideas. This generates lots of conversation. It's very empowering and usually helps kids feel more confident rather than more scared. When she knows what she would do, she will be ready if anything should happen.
No
Q. I think my biggest issue is "no". What I can't wrap my mind around is...what to do when I ask them to do something and they say no. Nothing seems to work. Maybe my expectations are too high, but I would really like to make them responsible for some things around the house. Right now I ask for help and I get whining, fits, and "no". When I ask them to go to bed…pretty much the same thing.
A. No is a powerful word with kids because it's a powerful word with parents. We say it way too much and thus so do they. To turn it around, you want to 1) eliminate some of your nos by saying what they can do instead of what they can't - "You really wish you could have ice cream now. You can have some after dinner/tomorrow. Let's write it on the calendar so I don't forget," 2) focus your requests around what they would like to do - "Here's the list of things that I need your help with. I'd like you each to choose 1 thing from the list that you would like to help with." Give them a parameter of time in which it needs to be done. Ask them to let you know when (in that parameter) you can expect their help. I don't know how old they are so don't know what you are expecting and whether or not it's realistic. But if they refuse to choose anything, focus your words on your trust that they do like and want to be helpful, since they like it when you are helpful to them (give them an example). This is no magic solution. But if you get into speaking very respectfully to them, they will hear it, trust it, and eventually cooperate. It's not a quick fix but a change in your perception about why they resist. It's not because they're bad, disobedient or disrespectful. It's because they don't want to do what they don't want to do--very normal for young children. So they need to feel motivated to help.
All questions are encouraged and I especially need questions about age 11 on through teens.
Story
I wanted to share a story with everyone. For months now, when our 4 year old daughter's room is messy or her toys are strewn about the house we've said, "Oh, my goodness, look what the gnomes have done with your things! We need to show the gnomes how to put your things away and how you'd like your room to look." We were following the lead of her teacher at school and it worked beautifully. Rather than getting upset, defensive or turning us off, my daughter would join us in bemoaning the state in which the gnomes had left things, and she would cheerfully begin to pick things up and start putting them away, with our help of course. In the back of our minds, however, we worried that we weren't "teaching" her to take responsibility for her things, actions or messes, but we continued because it made cleaning up such a positive experience for all of us. This weekend a beautiful thing happened. I was cleaning up toys on my daughter's train table and exclaimed once again over the gnomes' mess while she sat on the stairs watching quietly. Then she said, "You know, mom, the gnomes aren't really real." I pretended to be surprised, "They aren't?" She shook her head, "No." "Well," I asked, who keeps leaving a mess?" She said, "I think it's really me." We then talked about how everyone makes a mess and learns to clean up after themselves - again, without shame or blame. We'll see how this plays out but for now she is adamant that the gnomes aren't real, and she's responsible for her messes. In fact, she is also adamant that we are responsible for our messes - clothes, kitchen, etc. Amazing! She learned without us having to "teach" her. In how many other instances could we trust that our children will figure these big ideas out for themselves, when they are ready, without us having to "teach" them anything at all?
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