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					Click here for this month's Questions & Answers, click here to read previous newsletters, or click here to see upcoming events. Lessons for Everyday Parenting The Connective Parenting Newsletter April 2009 Welcome to the Connective Parenting newsletter! I'll be sending this to you bimonthly, with the first mailing devoted to my thoughts and teachings on Everyday Lessons for Parenting, and the second mailing dedicated to Questions and Answers and your stories. Both mailings will carry our latest news, and will have links to lots of parenting resources. As always, I look forward to your thoughts and suggestions. Please send your questions and stories to bh@bonnieharris.com. Do not encumber your mind with useless thoughts. What good does it do to brood on the past or anticipate the future? Remain in the simplicity of the present moment. —Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche Take note of how much of your reactions to your children come from your fears about the future? Lesson: Teaching Responsibility In our collective societal mind, we still believe that to teach children to behave responsibly, especially those who are behaving irresponsibly, they must be punished to learn how much they are displeasing us. We put them in time out, send them to their rooms, take away privileges, yell, threaten, and blame. In schools, they go to the hall, to the principal's office, and detention. Why? First because that's what we know, what has always been done-it's habit. And second, because our children's behavior causes us fear. From a place of fear, we make knee jerk decisions-they hurt us, we hurt them. When a child yells, disobeys, ignores, resists, and fights back, we catastrophize. He's never going to learn to get along with anyone, she will never listen and won't ever be able to hold down a job, he'll always be mean and hurtful and won't ever have any friends-the list goes on and on. Of course these thoughts and fears of our children's futures upset us. We get angry, resentful (after all I've done for her....!), and guilty (if only I were a better mother), feelings that provoke us to do whatever we can to grab control and make this child listen and obey. So we do exactly what they do-get mean, hurtful, resistant, and we yell, ignore, and fight back. Interesting, huh? It seems so hard for us to look at the situation from a different perspective. To see that their behavior signals unhappiness because they can't get it right and to make it easier for them rather than harder to gain confidence and self-esteem. Why do we think that they will behave better after we have made them feel worse? What is the risk in giving them more responsibility instead of more punishment? If we're afraid they'll screw up, then we have to look at the mirror we are holding up. What is she learning about herself from looking in your eyes? Next time your child behaves irresponsibly, try giving her a responsibility she can handle, something that will make her feel good about herself for a change. I know what you're saying! Isn't that just letting her get away with bad behavior? No. It's asking her to do something she can do well so she feels a sense of accomplishment and can get your approval. Punishing her teaches her nothing but how much she makes you angry. Where does self-esteem go then? There's plenty of time to go back over the situation and problem solve a better way of handling it. One mother I know has a child who gets angry at his sister when he doesn't have anyway of being productive. He loves to help his Mom, so when he starts to lash out at his sister, she asks him to help her load the dishwasher. His anger is instantly diffused. Another older child missed the bus causing his mother to be late for her appointments. Instead of yelling, she told him all the jobs he needed to do to help her get ready so that she would not be late. He cooperated completely because it felt fair and logical to him. A child at school who often disobeyed the 'no sticks' rule at recess was given the job to monitor all the children as them came back in the school building to be sure no one had sticks, rocks, or anything that did not belong in school. Ask a child who leaves his stuff all over to help you design shelves, cubbies, or containers for organizing things-yours as well as his. When you see your child doing something inappropriate, first say, "I need your help." Take that second to breathe and think of something you can ask him to help you with. If he does, use that opportunity to give him specific appreciation. So much more is learned in that moment than all your yelling and blaming. Engaging our children and our students to help empowers them so they don't need to grab power in inappropriate ways. First, stop buying into the societal mindset of punishment for negative behavior. It never taught responsibility. Sure, it gets obedience from some kids-the flexible ones, but only gets more resistance from the more strong minded ones. And who wants to continue the old pattern of getting kids to obey out of fear. After all, fear is what was used to motivate most of us and is probably why we fall into it so easily when our children do something wrong. Questions or comments? Let me know what your thoughts are. Send me photos of your kids! I would love to have some new photos for use in the newsletter and perhaps on my website. Your permission is understood with submission. I love candid shots of kids of all ages. You can email then to me at bh@bonnieharris.com Questions and Answers I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details. I'd love some questions about older children - don't want to lose those readers! Q. I was intrigued reading about the 3 3/4 year old girl who doesn't want to go to sleep without someone with her (last Answers newsletter). We have the same situation but our son is going on 8! In our case, my husband is often gone 3-4 nights/week. So we are exhausted by the frequent interruption of our son wanting to sleep in our bed (sometimes he comes downstairs 2-3 times per night!) Also exhausting for him. At night, he pleads to be cuddled, for someone to sit on his bed, or lie down with him. He says he is angry at his brain because his brain tells him to stay awake, and that he only feels safe and comfortable if he knows someone is with him. We don't want our son to think we're abandoning him or not caring about how he feels when we take him back to his own bed and tell him that's where he needs to sleep. How can we help him through his bad feelings about his brain and being alone at night? A. My guess is that your son misses his father as well as a close connection for falling asleep. He clearly is a contact guy. When you say downstairs, are you sleeping on a different floor from him? This is often not a problem but for some kids it feels like miles away. The reason he is angry at his brain (what a wonderful way to put it!) is because he knows his brain is not doing what you want it to (exhaustion leads us to send strong messages of disapproval) and so he is blaming himself for being wrong. When he is anxious about his brain keeping him awake, he cannot fall asleep. I would find a way to let him know that his brain is doing just what it should, and it is not his fault or his brain's fault that he cannot fall asleep. There are lots of bedtime soothing things you can try: meditative sounds or music on tape or CD, recording his favorite books in your voice for him to play after you say goodnight, creating a bedtime routine book with him full of pictures that you both take (him brushing his teeth, in the bath, you in your bed, etc.) with written captions. But my #1 recommendation would be for you to set up a "bed" for him in your room where he can sleep if he wishes. This could be a small mattress, a sleeping bag, even a dog bed just for him. Allow him to cuddle up there IF he wakes up and needs to be near you. With this privilege comes his agreement that he does not wake you up when he comes in. He can feel safe and you can sleep. Let him do that whenever he wants, as long as you are not disturbed. It becomes his choice, and you can let go of any frustration that sends messages about a faulty brain! Q. My four year old twins are now having a tough time whenever I leave them to go to work. I work 3-11pm 3 nights a week and leave them home with my husband, their father. They scream, and cling to me like crazy. They never did that even when they were much younger. They will be going to preschool for the first time in Sept. Is this a phase? Could it be anxiety about preschool? It tears my heart out whenever this happens. I do prepare them for me going to work during the course of the day, but when the time comes, they are hysterical. Any words of wisdom? Thank you for any help! A. Your twins are definitely going through a stage. And because they are twins, I'm sure they fuel each other's anxiety. But be assured that they will get through it just fine. It may or may not have to do with preschool coming up. It may just be separation anxiety that is hitting now. The best thing for you to do, besides preparing them as you do, is to exude confidence that they will be just fine with their dad. When you get anxious, they get the message that there is something to be anxious about. So as much as your heart strings are torn, do your best to be strong and confident in order to send them the message that you know they are fine and can deal with being upset. Acknowledge and validate them, "I know you wish I wasn't going. You would love us to stay together all day. Of course, that's absolutely normal. I will be going in a couple minutes, and you will be just fine with Daddy. I'll be back and then we'll...." Give them a big kiss and hug and leave with a smile. Q. What is your feeling about medicating young children for ADHD? It seems like an awful lot of kids are on medication now. Do you feel there are other alternatives? I have come in contact with preschoolers that are on meds. I just want to know what you think. Thank you! A. A general response is difficult as each situation is different. I do feel that too many kids are being misdiagnosed and medicated. I'm not sure if there are more kids today with ADHD or whether these kids just never had diagnoses. It seems that there are many "different" kids today and we have to keep up with learning about their needs and how to manage them. And I do know that pharmaceutical companies are profiting and therefore have a stake in the diagnoses. I think the place to start is with diet. I have heard of many successful stories of children taken off sugar, food dyes, and processed foods and put on a mostly organic diet. Also herbal and homeopathic remedies can be successful for some. It can be a long journey to find the right adjustment for the individual child but it is well worth it. That said, many children are served by medications. I think the key is to find out whether or not the child feels more successful when medicated. Many children feel relieved and can finally handle what they never could before. But I would take a child off meds who hates them and resists taking them. Paying attention to the child's reaction is critical. I do believe that our traditional parenting and most school disciplinary measures are not appropriate for the ADHD child and so the child suffers. But when responses can be adjusted and the child given an accommodating environment, much can be achieved. An understanding, positive yet firm, routine and repetitive approach is important. Any form of punishment will create even larger obstacles to the child's already tough struggle. Punishment sends the message that he is wrong and bad for behaving in ways he cannot help. Punitive or threatening attempts to control behavior will consistently backfire and reverse any positive movement. Let me know how these suggestions work with more questions or stories. Stories from Readers 1. I especially can relate to the bedtime part regarding separation (last Answers newsletter) with my daughter. I've found staying close in proximity while my daughter falls asleep is helpful for her. Also having a firm plan for the next day, clothes laid out, etc., helps her calm her racing mind and feel ready to let go of the day gone by. 2. Informative email from a reader: "Friends of mine recently created an internet safety company called SafeWave that I now work for (Mom of 2 and public school teacher). Under its umbrella is a FREE online community/network for children ages 5-18 years old called iLAND5. The Network is designed to keep children ages 5-18 safer from cyber bullies, predators and inappropriate content, and is enriched with educationally sound activities developed by educators. Each iLAND allows children the opportunity to engage in educational and fun games, music, art, videos, homework help and protected social networking with other students worldwide in their age group. (So, basically a 5 year old would not have access to the same iLAND that a 17 year old would. Each iLAND is age appropriate.) The way we keep the site safe is by getting schools involved (all for FREE). When a student visits www.iland5.com and registers, the school must then verify that student's name and age (just one way to keep predators off of the site.) The story (last Answers newsletter) of the mom who's daughter sent the inappropriate picture would be an easy solution for iLAND5. When students upload pictures, videos, or music none of it is live. It is first monitored for appropriate content and then it will appear on their page or their friend's page. If the material is inappropriate (based on a contract that the parent and student sign) then the child and parent receives a message from iLAND5. If the inappropriate conduct or material needs to be brought to the school's attention or even law enforcement then it will. I think that SafeWave has done a great job at setting guidelines and still gives kids the freedom that they need. I like to refer to this as a "Safe MySpace and Facebook." People can simply visit www.safewave.org or www.iland5.com." Keep the stories coming! Upcoming Events Thursdays, April 30 - June 4 Peterborough, NH           "You just don't get it do you?" Strategies for helping you and your child feel heard.           Two parts - 3 weeks each, 9:30-11:00           The Family Center, 46 concord St.           Bonnie Harris and Wendy Hill           sliding fee scale, childcare available           contact: Amy Mcgee, amcgee@thefamilycenter.us Ongoing Peterborough, NH           My Parent/Child Connections class for parents of 6-12 year olds continues           at The Family Center through June. Sliding fee scale. Call for info or to           register - 603 924-6306. Click here for The Family Center's website link. Click here to read previous newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. © 2010 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com