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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | March 2010 |
Lesson: Ammunition
|
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What kind of relationship depends on fear tactics to insure getting what you want? Certainly not a very loving or trusting one. The "ammunition" comes out when we feel afraid, less than, not good enough or strong enough. When these are the feelings, it means we are afraid of our children's (or anyone's) power over us. So we pull out a weapon to help us get something done. This assumes that our relationship is not enough. I have to use strategic tactics to make myself more powerful and insure that my child respects my authority. Except that respect is lost in the coercion and is replaced by fear. Is that what we want? For our children to fear us? Think what we are teaching our children about how to get what they want. A tit-for-tat power-over relationship is not a healthy one.
Many parents pull out tricks they hate and know they will never use when they are tired, late, stressed, frustrated and impatient to coerce a child into compliance. "If you don't get your clothes on right now, I'm not taking you to soccer practice this afternoon." "Turn that TV off or there will be none the rest of the week." "You are making me lose my temper. Get off the computer now!" We even yell and threaten our kids in public when we're embarrassed and need to prove to perfect strangers that we do in fact have a backbone.
We all get to the end of our rope where patience wears thin and our rational mind turns to jelly. But we have lost sight of how to just be with our kids, no matter what. We think we have to be this object of intimidation in order to teach them respect. I came from the children should be seen and not heard family. I had no say. My parents didn't really know me, and I didn't know them. I had no relationship with my father other than being afraid of him. It was no fun for any of us. Can we not put the ammunition away and rely on mutual trust to motivate cooperation? I challenge you to spend one day not even thinking about "how do I get my child to…?" but simply, "how can I be in loving relationship with my child today?"
- When your child is resisting try, "This isn't working for me. How can we make this situation work for both of us?"
- If your child is wired tight or full of anger, wait until you are both calm to talk about or teach anything.
- Acknowledge what your child must be feeling beneath the behavior.
- Think: My child is having a problem, not being a problem.
- Focus on what your child does well, not on what she doesn't.
- Don't let criticism and blame come easier than appreciation and consideration.
- Stop using punishments and threats and start problem solving.
- Don't be afraid of your child's emotions. Meet them, accept them, don't try to change them.
- Have at least 3 "being" moments with your child each day—just be present, in the moment and focused on your child.
Questions or comments? Let me know what your thoughts are.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details.
School
Q. I have a very bright, fun, kind, outgoing eight year old who claims she hates school. Getting her dressed and out the door each morning is a challenge and emotionally draining. She begs me to home school her. Here's the catch, when she gets to school she puts on a huge smile, is friendly to everyone, gets great grades, and seems just fine. Teachers love her! I have had many conversations with her teachers over the years and they assure me that she is perfectly happy at school, which does make me feel a little better; at least I know she's not crying on the playground. BUT I still feel uneasy about this because she whines about how much she hates school. Her main complaint is that it is boring. I think if she feels uninspired at school something needs to change. (I also don't think everything should necessarily be "fun") She does test very high and seems to finish her work very quickly, so I think there is some validity to her boredom. She's so young, at what point do we start considering alternative school situations? While I love her teachers they don't see what I see at home so as far as they are concerned there is no problem. Help, I need advice!
A. To answer your last question first, a child is never too young to consider an alternative school if public school isn't meeting her needs. It sounds like your daughter is very capable and temperamentally adaptable—she can easily go with the flow and look like she is doing just fine. She obviously wants to do well, knows she is capable and doesn't want to jeopardize her opportunities at school by acting out or complaining to teachers—all great qualities that you can point out to her. Sometime during the day—not in the morning—have a talk with her and tell her your observations about her unhappiness, together with the reports you get from school about her success. Let her know that you trust her and what her experience is telling you. And you want to know more to thoroughly understand her situation. Connect with her first, talking about how frustrating it must feel to hate the idea of going to school each morning and how much she must be holding down at school to look happy for her teachers. Here's where you can add your admiration for her qualities. Hopefully she will start to open up about why she hates it. But if not, suggest some of your thoughts about it. "I wonder if the work feels boring to you." "I wonder if the problem is with teachers or other kids." etc. Try to stay away from questions until she starts talking so she won't feel set up. Tell her your issue with home schooling, why you can or can't do it. Ask her if she might be interested in looking at another school. If she is dead set against that, then it's not the school but something at or about the school. Is it simply the transition from home to school? Possibly she feels too much is expected of her since she is so capable. Could she be getting a lot out of complaining at home—your attention and worry—when it's really not a problem? Dig a bit deeper but with neutral observations, not questions and certainly never accusations. This may happen over several conversations unless she is a good talker.
Siblings
Q. Our 3 year old daughter finds it really amusing to try and pick her 10 month old sister up, wrap her arms tightly around her in a bear hug, or stop her from moving. Obviously the younger one always end up in tears, and this makes it even more amusing to the older one. The louder the cry she gets, the funnier she thinks it is. We have tried sympathizing with the 3 year old, saying we can understand she'd like to be able to pick the baby up like Mummy and Daddy, and we have tried to teach her how to gently cuddle her sister, but she's not interested. When we ask her why she does this, her response is "because I like doing that". Now we resort to putting her in her room for some time out, but that doesn't stop her re-offending either.
A. The missing piece might be that your 3 year old needs some acknowledgment of how hard it is for her to share you with the baby—and a baby that does a lot of crying and getting attention but not a lot of playing with her big sister. You are attempting, as most parents do, to encourage kindness. But we all forget that there is a lot more than love in the big sibling's mind, especially when the sibling is 2 or 3 years old and can't fully comprehend all that has happened TO them. In her mind, this baby has usurped her life and taken away a lot of her parent's love and attention. She sounds like she is trying to control the baby by imposing the control she may feel she has lost. She may love her sister and be excited to have one, but she is also cuing you that there are other feelings as well. So far she isn't acknowledged for having them, and so she is trying to make her mark on her sister to get her attention, which she succeeds at when she cries. Acting like it's funny is probably a defense mechanism. She doesn't fully understand what she is doing wrong and any form of punishment only tells her she is more wrong, hence leading to more inappropriate behavior. Let go of time out and validate and acknowledge her frustration and anger at having a new baby in the house who doesn't always do what she wants her to.
Bullying
Q. I need advice about my 11yo son who is now going to middle school (470 kids in 6th grade) and gets picked on by several kids. He is a smart, nice, boy, who isn't mean at all, is talkative, likes everyone, is slightly immature for his age, and just doesn't know why these kids do this to him or how to deal with them. I don't know what to tell him anymore. My advice has always been to ignore them and walk away, but that strategy seems to be making him a target. He takes his school work seriously, but these kids insist on pushing his notebooks off his desk, book drops, and calling him names, etc. There is another boy from his grade school who continually torments him on the bus, taking his musical instrument, throwing things at him, telling him he is not cool enough to laugh at the other kids stories, etc. When kids call him names, say mean things, or do stuff to him, he just doesn't know what to do or say, and he doesn't really know how to be mean back, so he takes it, and they keep dishing it out. He is a really nice kid and feels sad because he doesn't have a lot of friends. Any ideas?
A. It's such a heartbreak when your child is the target of other kids' power-grabbing and insults. It must be a gigantic school! Have you talked to his teacher and guidance counselor about this? With so many kids coming down on him, it seems that getting help in the school would be a good thing. Unless your son is opposed to that. Be sure and check it out with him. Ask him if he would like to go with you to talk to someone at school. As far as what you can do at home, your job will be to strengthen his self-confidence. Telling him to ignore them and walk away is not an active solution. Try role playing with him. Pick one of the kids at a time and tell your son he has permission to say anything he wants to him (to you, who will be playing each kid). He can scream and yell, call them any name he wants, etc. with no one telling him not to. The object is to allow him to really blow it out of his system and get his feelings out in a safe way. You play the kids and then trade so you play your son and he plays the kids. After you've had some success, then you can problem solve. Ask your son what he thinks he could actually do or say with them—hopefully the role plays will open up some new ideas on his part. Try not to tell him what you think he should do. You want to empower him to figure out what he thinks is realistic. If he suggests something violent or mean (which he won't), acknowledge his desire and ask him how he thinks the kids would take that and if that would get your son what he wants. Your job is to be more of a sounding board than a director. Also talk to him about personal power and ask what kind of power they are trying to take away from him and if it's working. Many bullies feel powerless because power is taken from them at home or they do poorly in school and pick on those who do well. So they have to get power where they can. If your son can see that they are the ones with a major problem, he may feel stronger inside. Let him know that no one can take his power unless he gives it away. If none of this helps him, you may want to consider changing schools.
All questions are encouraged and I especially need questions about age 11 on through teens.
Story
I picked up my four-year-old granddaughter from day-care and until recently we had a routine that rarely varied; play, dinner, bath, mommy pick-up. Due to changes in my schedule, the bath is only occasional and my granddaughter clearly misses it. Last night she was busy building with blocks and lego and when her mom arrived she began crying and expressing anger over no bath, again. I was tired and not in the mood for her wailing. I could have ignored her. I could have just taken her, angry and crying, to the car. Instead, I remembered your parenting tools, and I knelt down next to her and asked if I could give her a hug. She turned, and we hugged, and I said, "you must be really disappointed that you aren't getting a bath at grammy's house now, huh?" She nodded. I said, "tell you what—tomorrow I can pick you up early and the minute we get home we can run a nice deep bath, and you can stay in for as long as you want, o.k.?" She nodded, and we hugged again, and all was well in the world. I am learning a lot in my old age thanks to my granddaughter and your books. Most of my granddaughter's melt-downs are over small matters that I can quickly turn around IF I am willing to be a detective, dig out the root of the problem she's having, and connect with her by acknowledging it. It's like learning a foreign language; I keep practicing and before I know it, I can speak it, sometimes without even thinking. What a gift!
Upcoming Events
New! My Youtube debut! Check the quick links above left for some excerpts from a talk I gave on When Your Kids Push Your Buttons. Pass it around.
Sydney, Australia
April 9 - 15
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Transforming Punishment into Problem Solving
John Lowenthal Auditorium, Westmead Hospital Hawkesbury Rd., Westmead
Fee: $250 by Mar. 9, $300 after
Contact: Martha Birch Tel: 02 9840 3833, Martha.Birch@nswiop.nsw.edu.au
Monday April 12 - Thursday April 15, 9:00-4:00
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5 Fleet St North, Parramatta
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5:30-9:00 pm
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In assoc. with "Baskets" The Andover Think:Kids Support Group
Fee: $160 single/$285 couple
Contact: Beth Edelstein - 617-643-6030, BEdelstein@Thinkkids.org
Information
Contact:
Bonnie Harris, Connective Parenting
email: bh@bonnieharris.com
phone: 603-924-6639
website: www.bonnieharris.com
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