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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | March 2009 |
Most of us have spent our lives caught up in plans, expectations, ambitions for the future, in regrets, guilt or shame about the past. To come into the present is to stop the war.
—Jack Kornfield
Why is it so scary to just be in the present moment with no ideas about where to go from here? We are so afraid we won't get it right. Who taught us that?
Lesson: The Courage to be Creative
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Think back to a wonderful connected moment with one of your parents. What were you doing? Probably not much of anything but just enjoying something together. I bet it was not a moment your parent was trying to teach you to be a better person. The simple moments are the ones that last, that ground us into belonging. These are the moments our children need even more than teaching moments.
Are you willing to simply be present with your child regardless of how wonderful or how awful the event? Can you just stay with what is and not try to figure out what is the right thing to say or do? Can you let go of past and future fears, expectations, longings, etc. to just be there. Can you let go of how to do it and just do it?
I often tell parents that when you're problem solving with a child, you not only don't have to know the right answer or the best outcome, but you shouldn't know it. The point of problem solving is to guide your child through her own thinking to come to her own conclusions and then make it work for both of you. But if you go into the process with the "right" outcome in mind, your agenda will get in the way of allowing your child to use her own imagination to figure it out. What you think is best may not at all be what works best for your child. Your agenda will keep you stuck in the outcome.
Creative or artful parenting involves letting go of what "they" think is right or what you have been taught your whole life and taking the risk to wing it. Winging it is very different from letting yourself react on automatic pilot. Winging it is allowing yourself to be in the present, trusting yourself to be with whatever is happening without prejudgment or advance knowing. This is the space in which you and your child will connect. There are plenty of tools to help you achieve this space (Connective Communication outlined in Confident Parents for one) if it doesn't come easily, but the true measure of faith in yourself and your child is to allow the unknown to be okay.
There is nothing that tests faith and trust more than parenting a child you fear will take wrong turns. And a strong foundation and family structure is essential to provide that child with a foundation from which he can trust being in the present. Once that structure is established, faith and trust is what it's all about. To parent with creativity (which involves a lot more fun than many of you are now having) involves building that trust because you are never going to know how it will all turn out-so why not just surrender to the unknown. That way the franticness that often appears when your child does something wrong will not interfere with helping your child through his problem.
Next time you feel that clutching sensation-"What do I do? What do I say? I have to stop this right now"-try saying to yourself, "I don't know what to do and that's a good thing. It will come." And then breathe. Leave the situation for as long as you need (could be an hour, a day, a week), wait until all emotions have cooled, and then trust that the answer will come when connection with your child can happen. Then try, "I don't like how either of us handled that. Let's try it again." And risk not knowing where it will go. When you let go of the outome, you allow possibility for creative solutions that you would never come up with otherwise, and you teach your child the power of creative solutions as well.
Questions or comments? Let me know what your thoughts are.
Send me photos of your kids!
I would love to have some new photos for use in the newsletter and perhaps on my website. Your permission is understood with submission. I love candid shots of kids of all ages. You can email then to me at bh@bonnieharris.com
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details. I'd love some questions about older children - don't want to lose those readers!
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A. How to keep our children safe on the internet is such a huge dilemma and one most parents are not very prepared for. First, telling a 14 yr. old that she cannot have a MySpace page is fuel for rebellion. She will make sure she gets one but will have to be sneaky about it, as was the case. Your intention is good to have password protected computers and to keep her safe but the message to your daughter is that she cannot be trusted. It is this message that she will rebel against and find her own ways when you least expect it possibly leading to worse decisions. Her young development and social difficulties means she will need more supervision than many. I suggest working out an understanding with her so you both agree on terms and conditions of computer use. My advice is for you to really connect with her and not blame her for what she has done. You might start with, "You must feel awfully embarrassed." Then instead of lecturing her and giving her an "I told you so", say, "Let's figure out how to resolve this issue together." I would suggest that, if you can, have her teach you how to set up a MySpace page for yourself. Explain that if she is going to have one, you will want to be her "friend" so you can keep up with what she is doing and help her keep safe. She will likely hate this idea but if you give her permission to have the page, she will be more likely to cooperate with your parameters.
Q. My 3 3/4 yr. old daughter is very bright, extremely articulate, and notices everything. She gets plenty of exercise, eats fresh food, little sugar and little red meat. The challenging area is bedtime. She appears very tired around 6pm, and we start the bedtime routine about 6:30 with either a bath or a wash and teeth. Then I sit with her alone, do stories, a little play and a cuddle, look at the pictures we drew together showing her the bedtime progression. I leave a side light on, sing a lullaby then leave the room with the instruction that she is to lie or play quietly. I go back in at frequent intervals. However shortly after I leave she will get up, shout, come out of her room, disturb the other children, switch her bright lights on.... She gets in this hyped up state jumping in and out of bed, switching her ceiling lights on, clattering round emptying Lego pieces on the floor, and opening and closing the door to check out what is going on. This can go on till 9:30 or 10, and I am about ready to strangle her! We have tried stickers and incentives for the morning. Tried turning off her side light if she comes out of the room or ignoring her but she shouts louder or comes 3 flights down stairs. I think she really is genuinely tired but she can't switch off and plays a game of getting our attention. Any suggestions or ideas most welcome.
A. You have a very strong minded girl who doesn't want to be apart from you to go to sleep. Especially 3 floors away. No matter how tired she is, the quest to stay with you will trump tiredness any time. She can't switch off if she is stressed by being alone. Most 3 and 4 year olds are afraid and lonely being left at bedtime. She will do anything to get you to come to her even if it results in negative attention. At least you are there. Nothing comforting can compare to the wonderful, cozy time she has reading and cuddling with you. Being such an aware child, her imagination is strong and may cause her to feel afraid when she is alone, even if she doesn't look it. I wonder if fear could cause her hyped up activities. Even though she seems tired at 6:00, try stalling her bedtime until perhaps 7:00 or 7:30. (Or try earlier if she is really tired at 6:00). Can you plan bouncing and jumping time before the bedtime routine? Sounds like she needs to expel all that excess energy. Experiment with ways to get that energy out and then ways to calm her-perhaps massage or soft soothing music after you leave the room. Then I suggest staying nearby until she falls asleep. Assure her you will stay close until she is asleep. Make a deal with her. Check in on her regularly as long as she is in her bed, but not if she is up playing. And remember that our expectations of children sleeping on their own are unrealistic and counter to natural instincts. We are programmed to sleep against another body and most other cultures do that. She is merely telling you that what you want her to do is not right for her!
Q. What do you do when a thirteen yr. old tells a bald face lie? "My teacher said I don't have to hand that in tomorrow. I have until Monday." (No such conversation with said teacher ever took place) "Yes, I ate all of my sandwich." (It's really in the trash without a single bite taken) "No I didn't break the sunglasses, I don't even know where they are." (They are smashed with a hammer under his bed) "Mom said I could have my cell phone back." (He never even asked me). I have spoken to him about the need for trust and that trust is linked to freedom. That I don't care if he smashed the glasses, I just want to know where they are. I care a lot about trust and honesty. I know that a lot of this is typical at this age. How much is OK? What are consequences that are appropriate?
A. I don't agree that this is typical for this age. The thing about trust is that he has to trust you. He must fear that he is going to get in trouble or disappoint you or not get what he wants. So you need to say something like "That doesn't sound right to me. I can understand why you don't want me to know.... How about we start all over again and you can tell me what actually happened." Always give him another chance because it sounds like he has gotten into a bad habit. He may not even realize he is lying, he's just learned an easy way out. When you find the sandwich in the trash or the smashed sunglasses, show him and say, "Let's assume we haven't talked about this before. Can you tell me what happened?" Again you do not want to give him the message that you can't trust him. If he believes you don't trust him then there is no reason for him to change - "You don't trust me anyway, so why bother". But if you say "I trust you to tell me the truth/I know you don't feel good about telling me something that isn't true/it's no fun being left feeling guilty about what you've just said/I trust that you know you made a mistake and will tell me next time." That is pumping him with your trust and he won't want to betray that trust. Unless it is merely a habit. Then you need to acknowledge very specifically when he tells you the truth about something. Read What You Focus On Grows in the Confident Parents book. It will take more time with a teen who has developed a pattern-but all the more reason to change this pattern now. Instead of thinking how can I trust him, think what does he need now to trust enough to tell the truth.
Stories from Readers
My son is 8 and has never been an enthusiastic reader to say the least! Lately he has been absolutely outright refusing to read to me and never reads to himself. He says 'I HATE reading and I'm a rubbish reader'. I have been using all my powers to avoid any kind of battles or threats but have been talking to him about how our brains respond when we tell them we are rubbish at things or that we can't do them and how they need nurturing like a flower. I said that if we don't feed or water plants they wilt and our brains do the same. I've also been talking about the muscle the brain is and that every time we read or do maths or challenge our brains, the muscle develops a bit more - even doing things and getting them wrong still makes the muscle grow. He loves cricket, and I equated it to a bowler developing his bowling arm. Tonight we played a reading game that he did willingly. I read a word of the story and then so did he. It was fun but a bit slow so I suggested we go to two words each and then a paragraph. After a short while I continued to read the story to him myself as I didn't want to push it. Then I told him that his brain will be a little bit stronger from what he'd read.
Keep the stories coming!
Upcoming Events
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Overparenting: The Happiness Trap
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