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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | February 2010 |
Lesson: Power: Use and Abuse
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Abuse of power is defined as misuse, mistreatment, exploitation or taking advantage of. Also abusing includes shouting at, insulting, being rude to, taunting, swearing at and calling names. In our parenting culture we have somehow claimed the right to use these manipulative techniques to control our children. Physical abuse in the way of corporal punishment is still condoned in several states. Abuse of power means that the abuser sees power as an external force to be gotten or relinquished-something tangible. But personal power is an internal sense of confidence. It is never pushy or forceful. It is what we all need to feel competent. When a child is not allowed power by an autocratic parent, the child either relinquishes power to another or grabs for it any chance he has.
Parents who feel undeserving of personal power will allow a demanding child to call the shots and thus learn that other people's needs are less important. If a meltdown occurs when a child doesn't get what she wants, this parent may give in or cajole in an attempt to make the child happy. Children learn quickly what to do to get what they want. There's nothing wrong with wanting-we can always allow that-it's the getting we need to have control over. Children want us to be in control, and when we're not, they feel unsafe. So they take it when no one else will. And of course when it looks like our child is taking control, we freak out and try any method to grab it back. Hence the power struggle.
Finding a balance of power is difficult and requires good boundaries between knowing what is your responsibility and what is your child's/what is your problem and what is your child's. Shared power means collaboration and partnership. It means allowing every family member personal power to make choices and decisions, to feel important in the family. Authority requires parents to make the choices and decisions responsible for guiding the family. But parental domination (holding power) teaches children to dominate when they want their way. In other words, holding power is being a bully.
Choosing the powerful thing to do often feels counter-intuitive. It can mean walking away, apologizing, admitting a mistake. It also means knowing that one's needs are no more or less important than anyone else's.
Sharing power does not make your child an equal. It means giving choices, negotiating agreements, asking your child's opinion on things that pertain to her, engaging her in limit setting. A few suggestions:
- Never take it upon yourself to solve your child's problem (talk to a teacher, another parent) without asking his permission.
- Give young children choices about what you want them to do. There's always a choice-maybe not about what has to be done, but about how they feel about it.
- Serve food in bowls and allow children to choose what goes on their plate.
- Ask your child if she would like to wear her coat or bring it with her.
- Discuss difficult situations at a calm time of day and ask for suggestions on how to make it work better for both of you.
- Make agreements and sometimes write contracts together.
- When the issue is your problem, own it and ask for your child's help and cooperation.
- When it is your child's, ask her how you can help.
Questions or comments? Let me know what your thoughts are.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details.
Behavior Roots
Q. I have 5 year old twin boys in full day kindergarten. One of my sons has been having self esteem issues. When he is in a conflict with his brother he resorts to pinching or hitting and I remind him to use his words. He then says that I hate him and that everyone hates him. I have tried explaining to him that I love him, but I don't like his behavior. I try to make sure during the day at calm times that he knows that I love him and connect with him, but he continues saying this each time he has a conflict with his brother or others. He is very sensitive and will think that others don't want to play with him when he doesn't take the initiative to ask to play with them.
A. Much of your son's declaration is to be dramatic in order to be heard. The problem is you are not hearing him—you are responding to him in a way that you think will make him feel better according to what you think he means. But his problem with his brother or something else that he is taking out on his brother (more likely) is not being addressed. It has nothing to do with whether you love him or not. When you tell him not to hit but to use his words, you may be bottling up his problem. The second principle in Confident Parents is "Behavior is Your Clue". Don't just focus on the pinching and hitting and try to stop it without getting to the root. First acknowledge the feelings—his anger/hurt/jealousy—whatever you think. You don't have to know what the root is, just that there is one. So the behavior you see on the surface is merely the tip of the iceberg of what is stewing beneath the surface. Instead of "Use your words," say to him with compassion, "Looks like you're really angry at your brother" as you stop him from hitting. Then, "Something must have happened to get you angry enough to hit. Can you tell me about what you're mad at?" You must focus on his emotion first, not his behavior. He can hear you when you validate his feelings but he feels blamed when you only disapprove of his behavior. After you connect on the emotional level, you can talk about what else he can do besides hit—he knows it's not okay to hit. He says "you hate me" because all he hears is your disapproval, no matter how much you try to separate him from his behavior (that doesn't work). You are not getting to his problem, so he fears he is wrong and bad and therefore you must hate him. Another less sensitive child might be able to shrug it off but the feelings will still persist. He may be jealous of something his brother can do that he can't, he may be upset about something at school that has nothing to do with his brother. If you stay with his emotional state, validate that, acknowledge that he is having a problem not being a problem, you will eventually get to it.
16 yr. old moving out
Q. My 16 yr. old son has been pushing back from me for some time now and has been continuously annoyed by anything I say or do. I know he's 16 and that's part of it. His dad and I have been divorced for 10 years so the boys share time at both houses. Lately when there have been arguments between us, he's retreated to Dad's house. Lately things got so nasty that he just wanted to go live with Dad. I told him maybe he should go, and that I love him and I'd rather he be here because he wants to be. He has more freedom at dad's — Xbox, computer, lots of tv — lots more free time — so that's another draw. And while he's had issues with his school grades (some Cs and Ds) he still is getting to go to driver's ed class, though I wanted to see his grades improve before that happened… bottomline, he is not interested in talking to me nor seeing me — and Dad says, "just give him some time". Just don't know what to do next. I feel like a doormat in more ways than one.
A. The parent who has more things and less vigilance is often a draw for angry teens. My guess is that your son is at the age where he can best identify with his father, and perhaps he needs the bonding he's not had with his dad—not to mention the freedom from the rules that you represent. When kids choose one parent, they have to make the other the bad guy with lots of blame and accusation in order to justify their move, displace their guilt, and not feel the tug to be with you that I'm sure rears up from time to time—a feeling he hates. So he has to put you down and make you wrong so he can be right about his dad. I think you said the right thing. As angry and hurt as you are, your job is to be there like a rock so he knows his anger cannot push you away. Give him time. He may go off to college from there and you will feel like you've lost him for good. But hang tight. I bet once he's in his 20s, he will have a new perception—maybe long before, but I wouldn't expect it. I would suggest sending him texts every couple of days just saying, "Hope you're having a good day." "Just wanted to say I'm thinking about you", etc. Short, one phrase, no questions just so he knows you're there. Do not succumb to the temptation of disengaging to show him how it feels—tit for tat. In terms of acceptance, this is the hardest test. Can you accept that he is doing what he thinks best at this time in his life? Even if it's a mistake. Can you take yourself out of the picture enough (hardest thing in the world to do) to see that he has a lesson to learn that his heart is guiding him toward? If you can bring yourself back to this thought when you get down, it will help you accept and support him.
Hitting
Q. My 2 year old daughter has always been a pretty placid child — very gentle and considerate with everything — her toys, family, other children etc. Just lately she has started to hit — her little sister, me, her dad — pretty much everyone she is close to. I have watched her carefully and at first thought it was when she wanted attention or felt she wasn't being heard (she speaks well so can make herself understood) and tried to give her the attention she wanted, but it hasn't helped. What I cannot understand is that she mainly does it openly — she will look me in the eye and say "push/kick Mummy" and then do it. I have tried to explain that I don't like it when she pushes me and prefer cuddles instead, but she just does it again and again. It's the same when she hits her sister — it's almost as if she's asking my permission to do it and then rebelling against my saying No. I am really stuck as to what to do!! Any advice would be appreciated!
A. Your daughter is learning that she can make things happen and is going to experiment with her new found power. She wants to make sure you see how powerful she is when she looks at you first! But notice she is hitting only within her family, which means she understands that it isn't done with others. Some little children hit, some bite when they are interacting. Her hit is likely her way of saying, play with me, talk to me, do what I want you to do or no, I don't want to do what you want me to. But mostly I would say she is experimenting to see what will happen. Sometimes if the hit is slight, don't give it power by reacting but do acknowledge what you think she is after. "Looks like you want me to stop talking to your sister and play with you. Why don't you get something out that you'd like us to play as soon as I finish this diaper change." Or, "It sure is frustrating isn't it when I have to spend so much time with your sister, and it takes away from my time with you." Naming her likely feelings will help her know you understand. She probably feels upstaged by a new baby, who, in her opinion, gets ALL your love and attention and has usurped her babyhood. Be sure and give her lots of babying so she knows she is still your baby, too. Instead of focusing on what she shouldn't do, put attention on what she can do. So when she hits try, "See if you can make your sister smile. Remember how she loves you to tickle her?" or "Can you turn that punch into a really powerful hug—show me how hard you can hug me." Sometimes it's important to give a firm, "I will not allow you to hit me. And you must never allow anyone to hit you." Or, if she is hitting her sister, "I cannot allow you to hit her because she can't stop you yet. And I hope you won't let her hit you when she gets bigger." You are firm not blaming. You are taking care of yourself and modeling important behavior. And also know this is a stage.
All questions are encouraged and I especially need questions about age 11 on through teens.
Story
I picked up my four-year-old granddaughter from day-care and until recently we had a routine that rarely varied; play, dinner, bath, mommy pick-up. Due to changes in my schedule, the bath is only occasional and my granddaughter clearly misses it. Last night she was busy building with blocks and lego and when her mom arrived she began crying and expressing anger over no bath, again. I was tired and not in the mood for her wailing. I could have ignored her. I could have just taken her, angry and crying, to the car. Instead, I remembered your parenting tools, and I knelt down next to her and asked if I could give her a hug. She turned, and we hugged, and I said, "you must be really disappointed that you aren't getting a bath at grammy's house now, huh?" She nodded. I said, "tell you what—tomorrow I can pick you up early and the minute we get home we can run a nice deep bath, and you can stay in for as long as you want, o.k.?" She nodded, and we hugged again, and all was well in the world. I am learning a lot in my old age thanks to my granddaughter and your books. Most of my granddaughter's melt-downs are over small matters that I can quickly turn around IF I am willing to be a detective, dig out the root of the problem she's having, and connect with her by acknowledging it. It's like learning a foreign language; I keep practicing and before I know it, I can speak it, sometimes without even thinking. What a gift!
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From Power Struggles to Problem Solving: Transforming Conflict into Cooperation
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Information
Contact:
Bonnie Harris, Connective Parenting
email: bh@bonnieharris.com
phone: 603-924-6639
website: www.bonnieharris.com
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