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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | February 2009 |
My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.
—Clarence Buddinton Kelland, writer
Can we dare let our children watch and learn from us? Do you live your life the way you want your children to live theirs?
Lessons: Pulling Rank
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The definition of pulling rank is to take unfair advantage of one's seniority or privileged position. So how do you as a parent use unfair advantage? Being bigger and stronger is an easy one. But it only lasts a few years. Being older and wiser only lasts as long as your wisdom keeps you from pulling rank. In the military, the rank system is one that is established to maintain order and control over masses of people being trained for battle. It doesn't work well in families where the intention is peace. Pulling rank in the family does, however, lead to battles.
The key to a successful and happy life, as so many psychologists and sociologists have noted, is in the relationships we have with people-both at work and in our social lives. Successful relationships are learned in the family. Having a successful relationship with a parent is the best prevention to years of therapy, grappling with demons, anxiety, and addictions of any kind. The confidence with which children venture forth into life comes from a strong parent/child relationship. What does that look like?
Do your children come to you to sort out problems? Are they comfortable sharing with you what is happening in their lives? Does their behavior self-correct when they know they have done something wrong? Can they tell their side of the story or share their opinions? Do they show empathy for the needs of others? Or do they run the other way when they fear getting in trouble? Do they get more and more secretive (different from private) because they fear you telling them what to do? Does their behavior get worse when there is no authority figure present? Do they show little respect for others?
I call punishment (any emotional or physical force that hurts, puts down or humiliates a child) pulling rank. It says, I can make you do what I want just because I can-major backfire in the teen years. It says, I don't have time to listen to you. It says, I'm right. It sends the message you are not important. Unfortunately we send this message when we least intend it-when we're tired, have a full agenda, or take a child's behavior personally and react.
To switch from pulling rank to being an authority figure takes consciousness. Think about sitting back, letting go, and listening to your child. Watch what you are saying and ask yourself, how would I like hearing what I'm saying? Are you willing to hear the answer if you ask your child what he likes and doesn't like about your relationship? If you're not, you're likely to pull rank. If you're not, you're afraid to change. That's why good relationships are the key to happy lives-they allow us to maneuver, to admit mistakes, to be vulnerable, to be humble. Try going for feeling good over being right.
Questions or comments? Let me know what your thoughts are.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details. I'd love some questions about older children - don't want to lose those readers!
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A. First of all, you are the last person who can tell your husband how to handle his battles with your daughter. But we all try! What you can do is step away from the scene to calm your emotions as if it were a battle between you and your daughter. Then perhaps before bed, after your daughter is asleep, bring up the situation with your husband and start by empathizing with how tough and strong-willed she can be. Note her strength of will and determination to keep up with him as if you were sharing the difficulty of the moment with him. If you can understand and share how difficult it can be to get your point across with her, then he will have open ears. At that point you might add something about what you have found to work well. You must stay away from accusations. He will only get defensive just as a child does, just as we all do when we feel accused. He needs to know you are on his side or at least are understanding of his difficulty. This can be harder to do with a spouse than a child because you are more likely to think, "He should know better!" But he is coming from his own background and has his own buttons. What you understand clearly, he may not and vice versa. Your patience and understanding will get much further than your blame.
Q. My grandson is going on four. He is toilet trained for the "small stuff" for a year now. He refuses to make "big stuff" in the toilet. He holds it in during his day in kindergarten. When he comes home he tells his mom put on a pamper for me. He then does his act and his mom is left to clean it up. My daughter is very patient with him. She says he will outgrow it. I have 20 years experience as a director of a childcare center and have never had such a case where a child continued such behavior for such a long time (a year now). Is my daughter right in being so lenient?
A. Whatever I think about your grandson's toileting issues, the important thing for you is to respect how your daughter is handling it. If she is determined he will outgrow it and convinced she is doing the right thing, then you must let it go - a very difficult thing for a grandmother who has different ideas and experience. He will outgrow it - that is a guarantee. If she does get worried and wants advice, she might encourage him to move to the toilet by first talking about what it is that he doesn't like about using the toilet for a bowel movement (he may have no idea) and asking him what she could do to help him feel more comfortable on the toilet. Perhaps reading to him, playing some music that he likes, rubbing his back, etc. If he refuses, it will do no good - perhaps harm - to force him. I have heard of many children who have this same issue. I'm not sure what it is about, but I think there is some fear about letting a part of yourself go down the toilet. As soon as he is old enough to feel confident that will not happen, he will use the toilet.
Q. My 10 year old and 8 year old throw a tantrum every day when it is time for them to practice the piano. This has been going on for two years. I've tried sticker charts, a prize box, warning them in advance that it's almost time for practice yet nothing seems to work. I understand that they don't like doing it and am sympathetic to that, but I find the rudeness and lack of respect demoralising. Any suggestions (other than quitting!)?
A. I would encourage a sit down session (completely separate from practice time) when you and your two kids can talk about piano practice calmly and neutrally. Start off with the fact that practice doesn't seem to be working for any of you. Then acknowledge how much you know they don't like your nagging. Encourage them and give them permission to go on about everything they hate about the whole process-with no judgments or opinions from you. After that, share how frustrating it is for you when they don't practice and how responsible you feel to make that happen. Get everyone's "cards on the table." Then as objectively and neutrally as possible ask, "How can we make this work for all of us?" Be willing to reevaluate and allow them to offer some solutions that you might not like. It's most important that you do not have the answers. Come up with them together. The problem with sticker charts and warnings is that practice is still on your terms. When they have more power in determining the process, they will be more invested. You will of course need to get to the issue of whether or not they want to continue. Ask where they would like to be in 5 and 10 years-more proficient at piano or not knowing how to play after giving it up. And most important for you is to look at the assumptions you are making about them being rude and disrespectful. Their behavior may feel like that but it is likely in response to feeling pushed and controlled. If asked, would they say they were being rude and disrespectful? Not their intention. But they are intending to make it loud and clear that they don't like what is happening. If you are able to reframe your assumptions about their behavior to something like, They really hate what is going on and are telling me they want it to be different, you will make giant steps toward finding a mutual solution.
Stories from Readers
I thought I'd share what I found helpful when we were helping our daughter to stop sucking her thumb at night. She was about 6 at the time and the dentist said that it would be best if she stopped as it would soon affect her teeth. Our daughter is quite reasonable when we explain things to her in a compassionate way. So, without scaring her or anything, we explained why it would be good to stop if she could. After initial disappointment she was willing to really try to stop sucking. At first we tried a plastic over the thumb - but that didn't work well. What worked was applying some 'anti-nail biting' nail polish to both thumb nails. We did it every night for a couple of months and then the habit was broken.
(The key here is that this child was brought into the process and not forced against her will.)
Keep the stories coming!
Upcoming Events
Cape Cod
March 4, 2009
West Barnstable, MA
Event Series: Parenting Pre-Teens: Positive Behaviors - Theirs and Yours!
"Your Child Really Does Want to Succeed..."
West Parish Church, 2049 Meetinghouse Way (Route 149)
contact: Jennifer Sheehan - jennifer@capecoalition.com
Adelaide, Australia
March 16-20, 2009
Mar. 16 - Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids
Free Parenting Seminar, University of Adelaide
contact: Centre for Health Promotion
8303 1660 or email michelle.gordon@health.sa.gov.au
March 17 - Full day professional training (Location TBA)
The Principles of Connective Parenting
contact: Anita.MacPherson@cywhs.sa.gov.au
Mar. 18-20
"When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" certification training
Space limited (prerequisite - Mar. 17 attendance)
contact: Anita.MacPherson@cywhs.sa.gov.au
Peterborough, NH
My on-going Parent/Child Connections class for parents of 6-12 year olds continues at The Family Center through June. Sliding fee scale. Call for info or to register - 603 924-6306. Click here for the Family Center's website link.
Click here to read previous newsletters.
Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
© 2010 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com