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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | January 2010 |
Lesson: Mirroring and Modeling
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Be who you want your children to be.
Most of us spend too much time worrying about how our kids will turn out and spouting wisdom from our own experience in attempts to set them on the right path and not make any of the mistakes we did — or still do. We need to turn that energy inward and have a hard look at ourselves understanding that we — who we are, what we think and believe and how we behave — are the most powerful teachers our children will ever have.
When they are young, our children look to us to determine their identity. Our eyes are their mirrors. What they see reflected back tells them who they are and how they are. When they consistently see frustration, disappointment, anger, and criticism in our eyes, they determine themselves to be frustrating, a disappointment, and not worthy of our love (ever hear your kids say, "I'm stupid," "I can't ever do anything right," "nobody loves me", or "I wish I were dead"?) And so they behave accordingly. As teens they may turn away from the criticism and control to find an accepting peer group.
When our children consistently see love, understanding, compassion, and support in our eyes, they determine themselves to be loving, important, capable and worthy. And they behave accordingly. Again I will say it: Why do we think we have to get angry with our children and make them feel badly about themselves in order to get them to behave better and do what we say? Did you ever want to cooperate with someone who treated you this way?
Treating them with loving kindness and mutual respect does not guarantee easy children. But it does insure that your child will feel strong and confident. She may still be very difficult to raise due to her temperament: something you cannot control but certainly can influence with your responses. "Easy" children are born that way. "Difficult" children are born with needs and tendencies that don't fit the common mold. Like orchids, they need careful tending and the right environment to blossom magnificently.
Parenting becomes an art when we can see and take full responsibility for the modeling we present to our children day in and day out; when we understand that children behave according to how they are treated and how they are treated is all about us. So many of us have a hard time parenting in the way we intend, because we have all been educated with the training of our childhoods. It's extremely hard to give our children what we never received. To love and accept a child unconditionally when everything we did was controlled and criticized by parents who took our behavior as reflections of themselves, who wanted us to be more like them or a sibling so we could never meet their expectations is very difficult and requires a great deal of introspection and healing.
One reader asked me to speak about how we present gender roles to our children. Our attitudes and beliefs reflect how we see and accept gender roles. What do you present to your children about the roles of men and women in our society? Are you in an equal and balanced relationship with your partner or spouse? What are you teaching your children about gender and hierarchy? Do you have gender related expectations of your children? Do you have double standards? Might your children see you as hypocritical?
So much can be managed through awareness. Practice being aware of how you see your children and how you present yourself for their learning. It can go a long way in raising your consciousness and taking responsibility.
- When you are interacting with your child, ask yourself what she sees in your eyes.
- Find ways to acknowledge and adore who your child is rather than who you want him to be.
- When there is talk around the house, ask yourself what your children are learning from your dialogue. Do they hear your understanding or criticism of others? Of each other?
- Try gaining your child's cooperation in the way you would want someone to engage yours.
- When you argue with a partner or spouse, how do your children see that argument ending up?
- What are they learning about the roles of men and women in the world?
- When your child is behaving inappropriately, ask yourself what aspects of her parents she could be reacting to.
- Let your children know daily how important they are to you and to the world.
Questions or comments? Let me know what your thoughts are.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details.
Bossiness in children
Q. My 3 1/2 yr. old granddaughter blurts out the word, STOP!! 100 times a day when:
| 1. | She trips, falls, bumps into anything and I try to help, ask how she is or give her a comfort-hug. (I am assuming she is surprised, hurt, and embarrassed and wants to set her own recovery course, not have someone else do it). | |
| 2. | I come to her mom's house to pick her up in the morning and say "good morning!" (I am assuming that maybe she's not ready to leave her mama, not in the mood for day-care). | |
| 3. | I ask her to not do something (that she wants to do). | |
| 4. | I ask her to do something (that she doesn't want to do). | |
| 5. | I smile or laugh at something cute or funny she says or does. (maybe she thinks I'm laughing at her). | |
| 6. | I walk into the room (maybe she doesn't want to be interrupted). |
A. Your assumptions are all ones I would make. She is stubborn and strong-willed. But it means she is a leader not a follower. So how you all handle it will determine whether she stays bossy (her temperament will of course be bossy at this age as she doesn't have the maturity to understand how her behavior effects others) or becomes the leader she has the potential to be. This is a phase she will likely be in for awhile -- altho "Stop" may change. THAT SAID: You also have the right to feel mad when she keeps it up. The important thing is to own your anger and not blame her for it. "I can't hear 'stop' one more time today. I don't like to be told 'stop' after almost everything I say to you. So I'm going to take a break from talking for awhile so I don't have to hear it." Nothing wrong with this. It's important for her to know how it affects you. Remember you have just as much right to your feelings as she does to hers. The rest of the time, try not to take it personally. This too will pass. You can do the same when she interrupts and tries to stop adults from talking with each other. It's very important that she learns that conversation means taking turns. Instead of giving her choices about what she can do apart from the adults, let her know that a conversation involves everyone and you want to hear what other adults have to say as well. Give her the choice of being part of the conversation, which means listening to others and taking turns talking, or doing something on her own. Let her know that if she wants to be part of the conversation but doesn't take turns talking, then everyone will likely get mad including her and no one will have fun.
Creating empathy
Q. I live in Italy and I am writing to let you know that the Buttons workbook I ordered from you has been very helpful and enabled me to go deeper into the process I started when I read your book "When your kids push your buttons". I would like to ask you a question concerning something I keep struggling with: empathy. You see, I grew up in a dysfunctional family where empathy (especially towards children) did not exist and there was no-one who could model it for me. So it has been difficult for me to show empathy towards my kids. How can I develop real and meaningful empathy when I was not shown any when I was a child?
A. It sounds like you are working hard on compensating for a very difficult past. I congratulate you. It takes such courage and determination. Your question is not an easy one. Empathy is something that I believe is natural in each of us. Unfortunately, empathy can be subverted in children by the narcissistic wishes and demands of parents (who most likely experienced the same in their childhoods) on their children. But it is there beneath the fears and patterns of behavior used to cover it up. I do believe that in giving it to your children, even mechanically to begin with, you can uncover it in yourself. Perhaps it will help to know it is still there, just hidden. So you don't have to create it from scratch, you just have to dig down to allow it to emerge.
If your child says something that you think is inappropriate (ex. she wants to kill her friend, says someone is stupid), the way to empathize is simply to acknowledge her wish, impulse or desire. You can reply, "You must feel a huge amount of anger to say you want to kill her." "You really don't like what your friend said. I know what that feels like to be hurt like that." All empathy really is, is the ability to understand how something must feel to someone else based on feelings you have experienced. If your child wants ice cream and it is just before dinner, you have to say no to the ice cream, but you can acknowledge the desire. "Mmmm, wouldn't it be nice if you could have ice cream anytime you like. You must be mad that I am saying you can't. I probably would be too if I were you."
If it doesn't feel natural to you (and it doesn't to most parents who were never spoken to this way), at first it's like trying on a costume. It will feel awkward until you get comfortable with it. If you can't think of something to say, think about it later and wonder what it must have felt like for your child. See if you can think what you wished someone had said or done to you in a similar situation. Think about wishing for ice cream, being so mad at someone you wanted to get back at them, wanting something so badly, you just couldn't stand it when you couldn't have it. It's about focusing on feelings and sometimes just guessing what your child might be feeling. You can always allow, acknowledge and understand feelings (that's empathy), you just can't always allow behavior. If your parents stifled feelings in you, it was probably because they thought, as so many people do, that feelings lead to behavior. They don't. All you need to do is let the feelings be okay.
Peer problems
Q. My son is a fun, bright, sweet, enthusiastic, 9.5 year old in grade 4. He is remarkable with younger children, that is, he can respond to their play needs, their emotional needs, and he exhibits great patience. He is super when it comes to connecting with older children, be they teenagers at the public pool, or throwing a football with some college aged kids at the park or even chatting with adults at the coffee shop (I always hear, "what an amazing kid"). Where he struggles is connecting with his peers—his teacher(s) have said to me it's like having a teenager in the class, and while he is both a tall boy and pretty mature in some respects, he is as "goofy and naughty" as any other 9 year old I've met. When he is with his football team, he seems to exhibit insecurity around his teammates, despite being a good athlete and likeable kid. He wants a "best friend," but hasn't found one. I'm confused and saddened, as I too had the exact same struggle when I was growing up. I longed for connection, but didn't find it with my peers. I remember feeling "different," and was often teased. My son has had some experiences with being pushed out of peer circles as well. Any ideas or suggestions for me re: how to support him?
A. The fact that your son does so well with older and younger children and especially with adults shows that he is very socially adept and competent. He may be bored with kids his own age. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him but because we put children the same age together, he has no choice. He thinks he's supposed to get along with them so perhaps feels insecure because he just doesn't relate. Nothing wrong that a different environment wouldn't take care of-for instance a multi-age school. We pack kids into settings that we think is best, and they do work for the majority of kids. But there are always the square pegs being shoved into round holes. He will find his way as he gets older and age differences don't matter so much. The most important thing for you is to try not to project your experience onto him. Yes, you also felt different, but I imagine there are many variables that are not similar at all. You can empathize with his desire to have a best friend and support him better if you are not worried he will have the same experience you had-if his problem doesn't become your problem. He will have his own experience and your job is to help him be confident in himself to weather any storms that come along, hand him a raincoat and an umbrella but don't try to stop the storms. Let him be goofy. Does he really love football? He is awfully young to be playing it. Any chance you could channel him into a different sport? With football, kids try so hard to be big and tough. High School is early enough.
All questions are encouraged and I especially need questions about age 11 on through teens.
Story
In response to last months Q&A:
We actually have a noise meter posted on the wall in our dining room! The social worker at the girls' school gave it to me. It is just an 8.5 x 11 piece of paper divided into fifths, with colored, numbered bars. And just like you suggested, all I have to say is, "gee, it's starting to feel like a 4 in here," and things pull back a bit. It definitely neutralizes the instruction. The advantage for us is that the teachers use the same one in school. Our daughter actually offered to show my husband how to use it when it mysteriously appeared on our wall… (interesting, given that it is usually her volume that makes us nuts!) Now I am trying to add a tone of voice element to it, to help the girls (and myself) recognize when we are speaking in a way that might not be well received.
This is the noise meter this family uses. Make your own and rewrite the level descriptions anyway you want.
Upcoming Events
London, England
Feb. 1-5, 2010
Feb. 1 and 2Milford, NH
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons - Pt. 1
Notting Hill / Bayswater
9:30 - 1:00 Mon. and Tues.
Fee: £120 (2 days)
Full cost if taken with Pt. 2 is £200 for 4 days
Contact: Beccy Goodhart goodhartbeccy@googlemail.com
See website for details of workshop
Feb. 3
I've Tried Everything and Nothing Works: From Power Struggles to Problem Solving
The Parent Practice, Thurleigh Rd., Clapham
9:30 - 3:00
Fee: £90
Contact: 0208 673 3444 or admin@theparentpractice.com
Feb. 4 and 5
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons - Pt. 2 (if enough interest)
- for anyone who has taken Pt. 1 at any time
9:30 - 1:00 Thurs. and Fri.
Fee:
Contact: Beccy Goodhart goodhartbeccy@googlemail.com
Wed. Feb. 10 (cancel date, Feb. 11)
Milford Middle School
The No-Blame Solution for Siblings
6:30-8:00 pm
Free
For information: mmsenrich@charter.net
Peterborough, NH
March 4, 11, 18, 25
The Family Center, Concord St.
The Gap: Explore It, Understand It, Narrow It
9:30-11:30am Thursdays
Fee: Sliding scale
Childcare available
Contact: Amy McGee amcgee@thefamilycenter.us
or 603 924-6306
Peterborough, NH
Sat. March 13
The Family Center, Concord St.
From Power Struggles to Problem Solving: Transforming Conflict into Cooperation
with Bonnie Harris and Judy Orme
for parents and professionals
9:30am-3:00pm
Fee: $50/85 couple
Contact: Amy McGee amcgee@thefamilycenter.us
or 603 924-6306
Information
Contact:
Bonnie Harris, Connective Parenting
email: bh@bonnieharris.com
phone: 603-924-6639
website: www.bonnieharris.com
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