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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | January 2009 |
"Children need models rather than critics"
—Anonymous
It constantly amazes me how we still think that our criticisms and put downs are going to motivate our children to be better and stronger people.
Lessons: How Do I Measure Up?
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The inherent problem when we think we are bad at this and can't do that or aren't as good as so-and-so comes from the messages sent, mostly unintentionally, from our parents, teachers, siblings or peers when we were young. In order to keep our children "in their place" or as a motivation technique to improve behavior, parents often say things like, you should know better, why can't you ever listen, you can do better than that, why can't you be more like your sister, I'm very disappointed in you. Or they just don't take the time to know you, your interests, concerns, opinions. So the message is, you're not important. Hence we are left with a "not good enough" framework from which we view everyone and everything in our lives. Think about what messages you got, spoken or unspoken. Realize that they probably came from your parents' intention to encourage you to do better-they didn't realize the long-term harm that could be done.
The young child's mind takes in these messages and processes them through a child's perspective: the adult has to be right, therefore I must be wrong. When your children resist or defy what you ask, it is often their integrity screaming, Don't talk to me like that. Don't tell me what to do. I'm not a baby, etc. But they don't say that-they just resist or misbehave. Pay attention.
All well and good, but what do we do who are suffering the effects now? Understanding where our feelings of inadequacy come from is critically important-and that it was our parent's or teacher's attempt at getting us to behave the way they wanted. But those critical messages stemmed from their fears, their lack of knowledge, their desperation-and a continuation of how it was done to them. These messages are way more about them than they are about you. But you are left with uncertainty and sometimes feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness, which doesn't help your relationship with your child.
Note your feelings, write them down. Ask yourself where did this feeling come from? I.e., She is so much calmer as a mother than I am. Why can't I do that? Notice how easily you criticize yourself and wallow in your fears and worries about what is wrong with you. See if you can identify a similarity with something from your past? My mother always told me I was wound too tightly, that I could never slow down long enough to see what was needed. And I had a teacher who told me I couldn't see the forest for the trees. See the connection?
Get mad at them! Yell at them out loud if you want. Tell them what foolishness they put in your head. The anger is there, I promise you! And know that probably 75% of the rest of the parents you know feel the same way. Then see if you can understand the fears and worries that prompted those foolish messages. Tell yourself, It wasn't about me.
Then look at the facts. She has a completely different temperament from mine. I don't have to be calm to be a good mother. Also use what you can learn from. I know that in the heat of a moment, calm is a good thing. I can work on that by walking away for the moment and breathing deeply until my emotions cool down. But I don't have to be her.
Then watch the messages you're sending your children. They can be corrected easily now. Also remember that doubt and uncertainty are good things. They keep you conscious, thinking, and learning. See them for what they are and not indictments of your abilities.
The workbook for When Your Kids Push Your Buttons may be helpful for this after you have read the book.
Questions or comments? Let me know what your thoughts are.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details. I'd love some questions about older children - don't want to lose those readers!
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A. Instead of telling your older to understand that his brother is too little and shouldn't be expected to do what he tells him, say to him something like, "It's so frustrating isn't it when you want him to do what you want and he doesn't want to. You have a plan in your head and want him to do it. I get frustrated too when I need to change his diaper and he won't let me (for instance)." Perhaps that is enough - just to acknowledge his frustration. You might add, "Can you think of another way to ask him?" or "Would you like to leave that part up to me?" or "I wonder if he might like it better if you..... What do you think?" He is wanting to exert his power over his brother. Nothing wrong with that impulse. I think it works better when you acknowledge how hard it is to get someone to do what you want. It's a good lesson in relationships.
Q. My question is: how do I get my twelve year old son to 1) tie his shoes; 2) comb his hair; 3) eat dinner with the family; 4) come with us on family activities, 5) pick up his legos off the floor? He says "I will NOT do it!" and digs in his heels. When I say "would you like to come with us/will you do this please", he immediately says "no". Often, when he DOES do what we ask or come with us to something, he finds the trip was fun, so I try to remind him. But he'd prefer to hold on to that first "no", no matter what. He is generally inflexible. We've had him talk to a therapist to try to understand why he's so negative, to see if he's maybe depressed, but the therapist said he's self-confident and that we should lighten up. We NEVER have to remind him to do his homework. He doesn't try very hard and does pretty well (IQ=140). He'll say he doesn't KNOW why he keeps saying NO, or why he feels he has to fight to the death (after a fight he is often contrite). He has no close friends (never is invited over for any playdates), I THINK because he is unwilling to compromise with other boys. He's happy to spend time alone...in fact, if he had his own way, he'd play computer games ALL day.... Where do we draw the line? Should we just give up on him combing his hair, tying his shoes, showering, tidying up? He thinks these things "don't matter". We've given up on insisting that he join in family activities, but should we let him walk around with dirty hair? I know these things sound trivial, but it's b/c they ARE trivial that it amazes me that he fights about them! I am concerned about not giving him the basic health/hygene/social training (time with family) that you need to get along in society... help!
A. The first thing is to seriously and thoughtfully ask yourself what is at the root of his words, "I will not do it." What is he trying to tell you? This is a question only you and those close to him can answer. Is he telling you that he is sick of doing only what you tell him, that he doesn't want to be treated like a child, or is he truly averse to transitions and changing course? I'm guessing, even if both are true, you need to learn more about who he is and accept his idiosyncrasies. Keep in mind that your relationship is always key and set your expectations accordingly. His IQ is extremely high, so he may not feel comfortable among his peers. He probably thinks of himself as weird and different. Your job is to help him feel confident in his "weirdness"! To start, temporarily let go of a few of your expectations. Even though they are trivial, he is telling you something. The good news is that he is not using major issues to scream at you with. I would put doing things together as a family higher on the priority list and leave combing his hair and showering at the bottom. If you give him control and ownership over his own body, you can ask him for reassurance that he will keep himself reasonably clean. If he's showering or not showering for you, he will stay stuck in the battle for the battle's sake. See if he'll wear velcro shoes (but untied shoes are a "style") and give him a choice about his legos-"I would like them picked up by such-and-such a time, otherwise I will put them away." Of course he's perfectly capable of doing these things. He wants to grow up and be independent and is picking the only ways he knows how right now. When it comes to family outings, I would tell him this is what we're doing rather than giving him the choice that you know he will refuse. If he balks, empathize and validate his feelings and tell him he doesn't have a choice about coming, but he does have a choice about how he feels about it-he can be miserable and cranky or he can decide to make the best of it. Then you must allow his choice. If he chooses grumpiness, don't take it personally. It sounds like you are in a battle to get him to do what you think he should do. Some of that is understandable. But he will be more cooperative when you understand what he needs first-your encouragement and support rather than criticism and judgment. And remember, you have a genius on your hands. You have no idea where his abilities will take him. You should not try to lead that direction.
Q. I have a 3-1/2 girl who still sucks her thumb. Her teeth are a little bucked from it. We tried limiting it to just her bedtime at 3 years old, and she was doing great then she stopped taking naps. So she starting sucking her thumb everywhere again. She usually does it when she is tired but she will not even try to stop. I have let this go, since I didn't want her to feel bad when I saw her sucking it. She starts preschool this week and a lot of people say they will stop once they see others not doing it. What do you think?
A. Thumbs are a comfort that never get lost. And a baby needs/likes to suck more than they need to eat. So sucking is a very strong instinct that can become a habit when the need is gone. When they feel at all stressed or wanting to be cozy and comfortable the thumb or the pacifier is a young child's comfort. a parent has control over a pacifier but not a thumb. I recommend that you never try to control her thumb sucking-I don't know how you could do it without sending a message of shame or guilt. She may stop in school, but she may not. Many thumb suckers continue until even 10 or 12 years of age-on the sly of course! The only draw back is orthodontic work, which will likely be needed anyway as few children seem to escape braces. Around 4 or 5 you can ask her if she would like to break the habit. Without her motivation, you will only increase resistance, which is not worth it over something like thumb sucking. If she is motivated to stop, you can help her do that with charts. Contact me again then, and I'll help you through it. For now, let her enjoy her thumb.
Stories from Readers
This morning instead of griping to my son, who is reluctant to get moving in the morning, I climbed on the bed and cuddled him - saying "This is so cozy, I wish we could cuddle here all day." Just those few moments of connection and he was up on his own - and happy! There are many things I'm going to be re-thinking. My oldest son is returning from a 3-night trip with his class, and I am going to avoid the rapid-fire questions I usually throw at him and try to just give him the space to share what he'd like. I just wanted you to know that you have influenced yet another parent to reframe her perspective. Thank you for putting so much of your experience and guidance down in writing.
Please send me more stories!
Special Events
Why Punishment Doesn't Work and What to Do Instead
The Family Center, Peterborough, NH
A 4 week focus group
Jan 22, 29, Feb 12, 19 - Thursdays 9:30-11:30 am
Sliding fee scale - childcare available
Contact: Tamara - thuston@thefamilycenter.us or call 603 924-6306.
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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons Professional Training
Jan. 30 - Feb. 2 (Friday evening thru Monday morning)
Peterborough, NH
Fee: $425
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My on-going Parent/Child Connections class for parents of 6-12 year olds continues at The Family Center through June. Sliding fee scale. Call for info or to register - 603 924-6306. Click here for the Family Center's website link.
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