Bonnie Harris Connective Parenting : Newspaper Columns

"I am constantly astonished and delighted by your rich and insightful answers to parents. I have been a therapist for many years and I work with children as well as adults. Yet with all my experience and my knowledge, there is something so strong and assured about your views on child/parent relationships that they continue to engage and add to my knowledge. I think you do beautiful work."
—grandmother and therapist from Israel

"Bonnie Harris is a powerful voice of reason, rhyme and guts. We need to stop seeing parenting as something that parents endure and start taking into account that parenting implies relationship, not a set of rules that little people better follow or else."
—mother of two and author

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Monthly Column

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Below is Bonnie's column published monthly in The Monadnock Ledger-Transcript

Do your children know they can get what they want?
By Bonnie Harris

Do you know what you want? In life, career, even everyday? I find this the hardest question to wrestle with. My theory is because we learned as children that we couldn't have what we want.

Fearing selfish, inconsiderate children, who melt down at the slightest disappointment, we end up teaching them they don't deserve what they want. We yell at, give in to, or refuse their wants so we don't have to hear it. Money doesn't grow on trees, You've got to learn you can't always get what you want, The world doesn't revolve around you, Be grateful for what you have. When we grow up believing that we don't deserve or can't get what we want, we end up not getting it—or even knowing what it is that we want.

How do we bring up our children to know they are fully deserving of everything they want without becoming spoiled or entitled? Giving them what they want is quite a different story from teaching them they deserve what they want. When we answer angry demands by giving in, they learn to manipulate with their feelings. When a child gets his way because the parent doesn't believe she deserves her own way, he doesn't learn respect for the rights and needs of others. Giving children everything they want because it's just easier, or to avoid a meltdown, or to "make" them happy will indeed raise an entitled child.

The fear of "spoiling" usually propels us in the opposite direction in an attempt to teach respect for others and gratitude for what they have. But when the message to the child implants fear that what I want is always out of reach, desires often turn to greed, hording or defeatist attitudes—and low expectations for life goals.

Teaching children they can have anything they want doesn't mean giving it to them. We may not be able to afford what they want, but they can still believe they deserve anything—if we let their desires flourish. Acknowledging and normalizing children's wants is easy when you know it doesn't mean you have to provide it.

I once heard a speaker talk about a book she had written examining the lives of five extremely successful people. The common thread was a parent who responded to their childish, often fantastical, desires with, "How can you make that happen?"

When you ask, "How can you make that happen?" it turns the child's focus to what is needed to get what she wants rather than on whether you will give it to her or not. Often a simple household item will satisfy when you ask that question. Entitlement comes when children learn they deserve to have other people give them what they want. Or when they have been told over and over how special they are, and they expect everyone to think the same.

When children grow with a belief that they can have whatever they want, their possibilities expand, their expectations broaden, and they have a better chance of getting ahead in life—as long as they have plenty of disappointments to recover from. Resilience, overcoming obstacles, is a major key to success. It is developmentally appropriate for a child to fight for what he wants. Understanding that means you can remain calm when the demands come.

Try the following:

Think, "Of course he wants that. I would too if I were him?" (hold realistic expectations)
Say, "I can certainly understand why you want that. I bet I would too if I were you." (acknowledge and allow the desire)
Offer, "I can't afford to get it for you but how can you find a way to get it yourself?"

Fantasize: "Wouldn't it be fun if you could wave a magic wand and have just what you want. What would you wish for first?"
(problem solve)

When disappointment and anger inevitably result when your child doesn't get her desires, tell yourself she can handle it. The meltdown is not yours to fix; the wish is not yours to satisfy; the problem is not yours to solve. Your understanding of her disappointment and anger will help her know she's not wrong for wanting. Just witness and be ready for a hug when she's done, and she will move on.