Bonnie Harris Connective Parenting

Bonnie Harris January Column

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 17:32:52 -0500

Do your children know they can get what they want?

Do you know what you want? In life, career, even everyday? I find this the hardest question to wrestle with. My theory is because we learned as children that we couldn't have what we want.

The Connective Parenting January Newsletter

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 14:36:46 -0500

Lesson: Hugs Reduce Stress

Toxic stress in early childhood can harm children for life, warns the American Academy of Pediatrics. Don't think your children experience it? All children do. So what can we do about it?

Bonnie Harris December Column

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 10:07:37 -0500

5 Parenting Resolutions to Ease Your Life

Do you spend much of your day trying to figure out how to get your kids to behave, how to stop the chaos, how to make them happy, and how to gain peace in your family? The answer may be surprising. You're doing too much.

The Connective Parenting December Newsletter

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 15:26:40 -0500

Lesson: The Magic of Believing

This time of year is tough for parents of seven, eight, nine year olds who have kept alive their children's belief in Santa Claus. Whether Santa, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, monsters, gnomes, or super heroes, children seem to need to believe in something magical, something they cannot see or touch—even when it is fearsome monsters. Little children feel powerless in their world of large people who shove them around like pawns on a chessboard. Identifying with super heroic figures helps them feel powerful. New cognitive understanding brings the elementary aged child face to face with logic, putting at risk the magic of Santa et. al.

Bonnie Harris November Column

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 09:00:30 -0500

Holiday Mealtimes Made Easy
With the holidays around the corner, I thought it would be appropriate to focus on meals, eating, and the dinner table. I consider dinnertime to be the "hearth" of the family—a sacred time to be held as a top priority. I know many of today's families find it impossible to eat together. It is worth adjusting schedules as much as possible to create family mealtimes. It's that important.

The Connective Parenting November Newsletter

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 08:55:23 -0500

Lesson: The Blame Cycle

Are you willing to take responsibility for yourself, your emotions, and your reactions or do you blame your child for making you mad, making you yell, making you crazy? Most of us pass the buck and blame others for how we feel or behave because we were blamed as children for how we "made" our parents mad and yell at us. The cycle spins.

Bonnie Harris October Column

Tue, 01 Nov 2011 11:19:02 -0400

The Uses and Abuses of Power

Power. What does the word call up in you? Does it evoke positive or negative thoughts, kind or cruel, strong or overpowering? Are you afraid of it or do you wield it to get what you want? Many of today's parents were brought up by power used to dominate—to tell us what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. The abuse of power in the parent/child relationship has a long legacy. It's what we know. It develops dependency on an external authority. Parents believe they must hold power over their children to maintain their authority or else the children will take the control their seek. Not only is this not true, it is the last thing the child wants.

The Connective Parenting October Newsletter

Wed, 12 Oct 2011 08:42:06 -0400

Lesson: When Children Get Defensive

Ever get an "I don't know" or "She did it" or "I don't have any homework" when you ask, "What happened?" or "Why did you do that?" or "What do you have for homework?" Defensive reactions are in abundance in most children's behavior—in most adult's as well. Defenses are shields we throw up to protect ourselves from what we perceive as a threat or attack. Many children have built tall, solid walls of defense in a mere few years of life and have a hard time finding their way around or through that wall back to genuine responses.

Bonnie Harris September Column

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 09:14:35 -0400

Your Brain on Button-Pushing

As a follow up to last month’s column about mirror neurons in the brain and how they create and affect relationship, I am writing this month with more brain information. I attended a brilliant conference with Dr. Daniel Siegel on Interpersonal Neuro Biology. Sounds heady but it was actually quite easy to understand.

The Connective Parenting September Newsletter

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 09:27:00 -0400

Your Child is Your Mirror

Want to know how you're doing? Look at your child. Your mirror to your emotional state may be your child's behavior, which is also your clue to your child's well being.

Bonnie Harris August Column

Fri, 09 Sep 2011 16:23:21 -0400

Will your child have a successful school year?

I have written before about setting intentions for the school year but think it's important enough to bring it up again. While many school experiences are out of you or your child's control, more is possible than you may think. Choose a relaxed time with your child to talk about the year ahead. Make it light and fun and include plenty of "what ifs".

The Connective Parenting August Newsletter

Fri, 09 Sep 2011 16:22:49 -0400

Self-blame keeps punishment alive

Were you punished as a child? Did you resist it thinking it was unfair or did you come to believe that an infraction of rules or whatever your parents wanted was deserving of punishment? (Today we call it consequences. Same thing, don't fool yourself).

Bonnie Harris July Column

Fri, 29 Jul 2011 09:47:41 -0400

The Power of the Unseen Relationship

The syndicated columnist for The New York Times, David Brooks, has written a book called The Social Animal. In it he describes the building blocks of human thinking and accomplishment based on today's scientific revolution in consciousness...

The Connective Parenting July Newsletter

Wed, 13 Jul 2011 12:47:17 -0400

Power Needs to be BalancedAre you a parent who has a hard time saying no to your children or maybe one particular child? Many parents I find have a hard time being firm with their children. Sometimes it's because they are reacting to the autocratic or harsh measures from their own parents and want desperately for their children to love them and be able to express their feelings and opinions. These parents were humbled in their childhoods by parents who did not "see" them or allow them to speak out. Some believe that the child's needs must come first, and they end up frustrated and resentful when their children don't appreciate their efforts.

Bonnie Harris June Column

Fri, 01 Jul 2011 11:51:50 -0400

Summer decisions: Is your child involved? - June 2011

With summer vacation fast approaching, what to do for your kids becomes a pressing issue. How do you choose the right programs or activities? Sometimes it's clear and your child knows just what he wants. Often it just isn't.

The Connective Parenting June Newsletter

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 10:54:26 -0400

A Different Perspective

My family size increased by two in the last 10 days. June 2nd brought the birth of my first grandchild, Sam, pictured here. (He's either the most beautiful baby in the world or I am the most besotted grandmother). And nine days later my cousin got married. Both gloriously happy occasions. Both occasions reminding me that I am getting old. And that I have a different perspective. Other than a very few, the wedding attendees were young families with more babies and little children I have ever seen at a wedding. And my precious grandson… So much newness in my life contrasted against my oldness.

Bonnie Harris May Column

Wed, 01 Jun 2011 09:44:28 -0400

Budget Cuts: Helpful or Harmful to Domestic Tranquility?

Imagine that you have to drastically cut your family budget due to a job loss. You start with the frills. Traveling, dinners out, your favorite entertainments will have to go. You will cut down on driving to save on gas and will weigh the cost of driving to a further but cheaper supermarket. You may stop buying organic food, but will you give up good, healthy food for the cheaper brands bulked up with fillers, corn syrup and preservatives? How do you weigh your costs against the health of your family?

The Connective Parenting May Newsletter

Tue, 10 May 2011 08:38:21 -0400

The Control Button

Lots of us have control issues. One of the buttons described in my book is The Control Button because it's so common. So here's the bad news about being a controller--society encourages you to keep controlling. Nothing in daily life supports us to let go and be content with ourselves. In our western, materialistic world, we are sold a bill of brainwashing goods that convinces us that we need X, Y, or Z to feel better.

Bonnie Harris April Column

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 09:40:40 -0400

The No-Blame Solution

Imagine never blaming or ever feeling blamed. Hard, huh? Blaming something or someone else when we are angry, criticized, or thwarted in any way is as common among humans as laughing or crying. But is it inherent in our nature or is it learned? We naturally and automatically defend ourselves when we feel attacked, but each one's perception of what amounts to an attack is up to individual interpretation. Unfortunately many parents feel under attack from even their smallest child. So we blame.

The Connective Parenting April Newsletter

Mon, 25 Apr 2011 08:50:23 -0400

Drawing the line

I do a lot of talking about empathizing with children, understanding their point of view, accepting them unconditionally, never punishing or blaming them, and involving them in problem solving. I often get comments from parents like, "How are you supposed to raise a child if they can do whatever they want and are never disciplined?" Let me be perfectly clear.

Bonnie Harris March Column

Fri, 01 Apr 2011 08:58:25 -0400

Common Misconceptions in Parenting

We all know that parenting takes no education, no licensing, no test to qualify. Self-education becomes essential. So I thought I might tackle a few of the misunderstandings we have in parenting that not only confuse us as parents but also as onlookers of parents.

The Connective Parenting March Newsletter

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 10:12:36 -0400

When "the best" isn't good enough

What do we mean when we say we want "the best" for our children? Do we really have their best interests at heart? Or do we want them to be the best to justify our time and efforts in raising them? Is it about the pride we will feel in their accomplishments when they win, make the grade, get into the school, or be the best? Or do we truly mean that we want them to feel balanced, satisfied, confident and happy-no matter what they do?

Bonnie Harris February Column

Tue, 22 Feb 2011 11:49:43 -0500

Another Take on Bullying (Part 2)

In Part 1, I focused on how children learn bullying tactics from our very own child rearing methods. Many children feel powerless and out of control when they are pushed around, blamed, humiliated, and separated out. But the resourceful find the power they need among those they can trust—so they think. This month we look at why a child bullies and how critical a strong attachment to responsible, caring adults is to a child's well-being.

The Connective Parenting February Newsletter

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 09:03:22 -0500

Lesson: Attachment: It's more important than ever

Haven't you heard people say, "Why are kids so disrespectful these days? I would never have dreamed of saying anything like that to my parent?" Or, "What happened to my sweet child? It's like she's a teenager and she's only 8!"
I have found the answer. It's not what I thought it was but it makes perfect sense...

Bonnie Harris January Column

Wed, 26 Jan 2011 15:50:10 -0500

Another Take on Bullying (Part 1)

Theories abound on why bullying happens and what to do about it, but all experts seem to agree that bullying is about an imbalance of power. One child gains or holds power by diminishing another's. It comes in many forms and today has most destructively reached a new high with the convenience and anonymity of the internet.

The Connective Parenting January Newsletter

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 11:17:36 -0500

Lesson: 5 Reminders for the New Year

I'm not a big fan of New Year's resolutions but I think it's a good idea to parent intentionally to drop old automatic reactions. So I thought I'd give a few reminders to think about if you are or aspire to be a connective parent...

Bonnie Harris December Column

Thu, 30 Dec 2010 16:32:33 -0500

Raising a short-sighted society

We live in a short-sighted, self-important culture. Wanting what we want when we want it is a natural human condition and developmentally appropriate for children through adolescence. Even though it remains true throughout life, a successful culture needs a mature focus and a gradual shift from self to the greater good. As mature adults, we must be able to put our personal desires on hold, delay our gratifications and look to familial, communal, and global needs when necessary. Isn't that what we want our children to learn? It seems that we are less and less able to look at the big picture and see the forest for the trees.

The Connective Parenting December Newsletter

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 09:45:30 -0500

Lesson: The 10 Second Rule

'Tis the season to be…stressed, worried, pressured, anxious, and impatient with children who want everything and are more of who they are than ever. It is a heightened time for buttons to be pushed. When the pressure is on to either give children the best holiday ever or just to be able to afford anything they are asking for, our reactions can be automatic and our fuses short. It may not be the easiest time to practice responding instead of reacting, to listen instead of teach, to ask their opinions instead of tell them what to do and how to do it, but here are some thoughts about maintaining your cool.

Bonnie Harris November Column

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 17:17:26 -0500

Home for the Holidays: Stressful or Inviting?

When it’s “home for the holidays”, it is the rare adult who does not trip back into the role they played as a child within their family of origin. The same old feuds, difficult relationships, favoritisms, and grudges occur. Perhaps they are held beneath the surface, but active there nonetheless. Often home means nurturing, warmth, support, and familiar customs. But it can just as easily mean criticism, disapproval, discomfort, and for those raising their own children, humiliation, intimidation and insecurity as well.

The Connective Parenting November Newsletter

Tue, 16 Nov 2010 09:07:41 -0500

Lesson: Holiday Performance Anxiety

It's holiday time again! And holidays mean "performance anxiety". Those of you outside the US, bear with the Thanksgiving talk, but apply this to any holiday or family time. Holidays bring stress when families get together. How will my children do, what will my family think about my parenting?

Bonnie Harris October Column

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 11:46:50 -0400

Empathy: The key to peaceful interactions

Nothing warms a parent's heart like witnessing a child standing up for a sibling or friend or helping out a stranger. Helping someone else because it feels right (not because you get a sticker for it) is a mark of maturity, self-confidence, respect, and compassion. At the heart of that is empathy—understanding another's point of view, another's feelings. We are all born with the capacity for empathy. But we are all-too-easily capable of squashing that capacity in our children when we treat them with the opposite. Empathy is not taught but experienced. It is our responsibility as parents and teachers to model empathic responses to our children and others if we want our children to be caring and respectful citizens.

Bonnie Harris September Column

Fri, 01 Oct 2010 12:30:27 -0400

It's the little put-downs that build up

On beaches, in restaurants, in passing, I've noted many conversations this summer between parents and children. I've heard some pretty "nasty" remarks and tones coming from very young children toward their parents—the kind we fear and try our hardest to nip in the bud. Where do they get off talking to their parents like that? one might ask. No one deserves to be spoken to with that kind of disrespect, especially in public. No one—including children. Each of the scenarios I witnessed accompanied parental dialogue that consistently belittled the children. How is it that we give ourselves permission to speak to our children with the same words and tone we criticize them for?

The Connective Parenting Newsletter

Sat, 11 Sep 2010 12:29:38 -0400

Lesson: Making School Intentions

With the start of a new school year, hopes abound for a fresh start, success, and good grades. But it doesn't need to be left to hope. We can help our children get off on the right foot. The first step is an understanding that their education belongs to them. We need to hand it over so they can take ownership of it. How many children believe that their education is for their parents and teachers; that their grades are for their parents and teachers? Face it, that's how we set it up. While many school experiences are out of your or your child's control, more can be intentional than you think.

Bonnie Harris August Column

Mon, 06 Sep 2010 11:27:53 -0400

Who owns your children’s education?

Another school year has begun. Whether your child is excited about it or dreads it may
have a lot to do with the support system. We want our children to take responsibility
for their education but we usurp that responsibility when we tell them how it should be
done—we adults take control of their education and learning process. We get afraid that
a child will fall between the cracks and so we direct instead of support. Our children
need us to learn how they learn best, set up what they need to do their best, and then let
them find their own way...

The Connective Parenting August Newsletter

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 10:25:15 -0400

Lesson: Creating Relationship

Isn't it interesting that the busier our lives get, the more focus and worry we put on our children and the more we are fraught with fears that we must be teaching them or enriching their lives every minute. If they are "behind" their peers, we scramble to get them caught up. If they are behaving in ways that frustrate us, we battle them in efforts to make them change… or make them different. And always we find ourselves at the failure end of the stick if our children don't measure up...

Bonnie Harris July Column

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 09:21:52 -0400

The Roots of Violence: How to Stop the Shoots from Growing - July 2010

How many of you have had, at the least, fleeting fears of your children turning violent in future years? When we see consistent sibling slugs, pushing on the playground, provoking a pet, throwing something in a rage, threatening to "kill" someone, it's generally our path of least resistance to catastrophize and project our child into the future as the next serial killer! We all do it in a nano second. Those thoughts provoke fear, and we react out of fear. It's important in those moments to understand the real roots of violence and learn how to avoid those roots from growing in the direction you don't want. We typically try to stop hitting, yelling, and angry outbursts with threats, punishment, or our own angry outbursts in an attempt to raise kind, peaceful children. We set the stage for just the opposite.

The Connective Parenting July Newsletter

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 10:25:47 -0400

Lesson: Beach Dialogue: Lessons learned

I was at the beach on the Jersey shore over the 4th of July and overheard snippets of interactions from a very nice looking family not too far from us.

I thought to myself that this had to be shared with my readers. It is the most simple teaching tool of all. A video of the scene would have been better but …! Here are a few disjointed pieces of dialogue.

Mom (to her maybe 5 yr. old son): "Come on, you're going in the water."
Son (crying): "No, I don't want to."
Mom: "Are you going to make me pour a bucket of water over you? Stop that whining. One more minute and that bathing suit comes off and I'm going to spank your bottom."

The Connective Parenting June Newsletter

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 10:26:02 -0400

With the long structured school days behind them for the next two months, children have their sought after freedom from constant direction and the pressure of adult time schedules. After the initial newness of vacation wears off, cries of boredom may become a parent's latest undoing...

Bonnie Harris May Column

Thu, 27 May 2010 13:31:20 -0400

Are you choosing the right summer activities for your child?

With summer vacation fast approaching, what to do for your kids becomes an issue. How do you choose the right programs or activities? Sometimes it's clear and your child knows just what he wants. Often it just isn't.

The Connective Parenting May Newsletter

Wed, 26 May 2010 13:31:10 -0400

Lesson: Risk-Taking = Competence Building

While on vacation, I witnessed this demonstration of jumping and diving from a very high cliff (picture is less dramatic than reality!) into the very active surf of the Pacific Ocean. This group of 6 fathers and 7 sons, all around the age of 10, took turns careening into the waves and climbing back for another shot. At first I was aghast, making a quick assumption that this was reckless behavior allowed by irresponsible fathers. I quickly changed my mind as I watched and learned. It was clear they knew what they were doing. Several of these fathers, having grown up in the ocean, were giving their sons a lesson in competence...

Bonnie Harris April Column

Wed, 26 May 2010 13:30:59 -0400

How do you define discipline?

Often when I talk about the benefits of shared power, connection, and problem solving, a parent will ask me, “Are you saying that we shouldn’t discipline our children?” or “Isn’t that undermining my authority?” Great questions.

The Connective Parenting April Newsletter

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 09:41:52 -0400

Lesson: Setting up for Success

The fourth principle in Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids is expectations must be set for success. This is the opposite of what we typically and unintentionally do with our children. When we criticize, blame, and judge their behavior, we may think we are teaching a lesson, but what we are doing is setting our children up to fail. By complaining about what they are doing, yelling at them to stop, losing your cool, you are focusing on what they are doing wrong and keeping their attention where you don't want it. Self-fulfilling prophesies lead children to believe they are troublemakers when they hear it enough. When they believe it, they behave like troublemakers, because children behave the way they perceive they are expected to behave. It's a law of human behavior.

Bonnie Harris March Column

Fri, 02 Apr 2010 09:55:28 -0400

How Children Learn Best

The article Playing to Learn by Susan Engel, published in The New York Times in February, was a response to the Obama administration's plan for reforming the assessment of our schools. Engel argues that first we need to overhaul the curriculum before judging any school's effectiveness. I couldn't agree more. School curriculum must fit with what child development experts have known for so long about how children learn best. It seems that our schools' agendas often work counter to a child's natural development. And why? Because schools must focus on test results in order to get funding. What is wrong with this picture? This trickle-down problem is clearly not working for our children.

The Connective Parenting March Newsletter

Sun, 28 Mar 2010 12:19:29 -0400

Lesson: Ammunition

When push comes to shove during those times of low tolerance—getting out the door in the morning, getting your child to listen, pick up toys, brush teeth, do homework, get off the computer, you name it--and your child is resisting, what do you do? I've heard more than once, "I bring out the ammunition." Whether it's yelling, threatening, bribing, or taking away privileges, do you go for that "big gun" you can count on to get the job done? Each time, it means a little chink is taken out of your relationship, from your child's trust. Yeah, but aren't there just times you have to draw the line?

The Connective Parenting February Newsletter

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 09:42:19 -0500

Lesson: Power: Use and AbuseWe all abuse power with our children. We either grab onto it or toss it away. Rarely do we share it with our children. How often do you keep all the power by threatening, yelling, name calling, grabbing, punishing? Do you lose your power by giving up, giving in, and letting your children do whatever they want because it's just easier?

"When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" video (part 2)

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 10:06:25 -0500

Bonnie Harris offers a workshop based on her books, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and Confident Parents Remarkable Kids, 8 Principles for Raising Kids You'll Love to Live With. Please check these videos out if they interest you and if they do, please pass them on to others you think might find them interesting.

"When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" video (part 1)

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 10:06:30 -0500

Bonnie Harris offers a workshop based on her books, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and Confident Parents Remarkable Kids, 8 Principles for Raising Kids You'll Love to Live With. Please check them out if it interests you and if it does, please pass them on to others you think might find them interesting.

Bonnie Harris February Column

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 09:14:45 -0500

What does authority mean in your family?

I want to start the new year off with a discussion on authority. Many parents question my advocacy of sharing power with a child, rather than holding power over a child because they fear losing authority. In my mind, the family is a team; a team that forms a strong foundation for each of its members; a home base from which each member gains the confidence and strength to leave the base and contribute positively to society. So how does a successful team function?

The Connective Parenting January Newsletter

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:17:21 -0500

Lesson: Mirroring and Modeling

The beginning of a new year often inspires us with hope and plans for the future and setting intentions for what we want. Let me add one for your list:

Be who you want your children to be.

Bonnie Harris January Column

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:20:41 -0500

Sleep: New findings on how it makes children thinner, calmer, smarter, and happier

Is your child getting enough sleep? Our children are getting an average of an hour less sleep than they did thirty years ago and it’s costing big time. New evidence shows some startling facts. Because children’s brains are a work in progress until the age of at least 21, and much of that development occurs during sleep cycles, sleep’s impact on children is far greater than on adults.

Bonnie Harris December Newsletter

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 11:08:50 -0500

Lesson: Being Right vs. Being Present

When we engage in power struggles with our children, we are invested in being right. When we must be right—"I'm the parent, I know best. You must do what I say."—the child is left feeling powerless and necessarily fights back to preserve integrity; either that or the easy-going child submits again and again learning in the process to seek the approval of others to gauge her self-worth. The power struggle nails us in a position of having to be right. Backing down from the fight is too vulnerable a position for most parents. We expect the child to back down, to give up, to acknowledge being wrong—in other words, we expect the child to be the grown-up first.

Bonnie Harris December Column

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 17:02:20 -0500

With Thanksgiving barely in the rear-view mirror, many families are likely reeling from the day, relieved it’s over. So many experience the day fraught with tension. Before the critical eyes of friends and relatives, many children likely caused their parents embarrassment and stress, provoking angry, judgmental looks, comments and reactions, which in turn prompted more embarrassing behavior. More children today seem to have a take-everything-for-granted attitude, and thankfulness is furthest from their minds. What happened to Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving dinners? How do we teach our children gratitude and thankfulness?

Bonnie Harris November Newsletter

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 12:12:41 -0500

What is the balance of power like in your home? Do you hold the power or does your child? Are you the boss or does it feel like your child is? Often we fluctuate back and forth so no one really knows where they stand and what to expect from one day to the next. When any one person in the family feels powerless, they are compelled to grab for it and hoard it.That always means rendering someone else powerless.

Bonnie Harris November Column

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:29:03 -0500

Keeping Our Children Safe: Transforming Fear into Confidence.
When you were an adolescent, were you a risk taker or a risk avoider? Our experiences in childhood greatly influence how we help or hinder our children as we project our own experiences in their direction, if not directly onto their path. If you were a risk taker, you might either encourage that quality in your children or become controlling in an attempt to protect them from the experiences you knew all too well. If you were more risk avoidant, you will have a hard time understanding a child who is a risk taker and may try to control and orchestrate their experiences to insure your peace of mind.